Disclaimer: Our vacation for the most part was incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating. In fact it was deemed the “best vacation ever” by all 4 kids within a few hours of arriving. That is great for me, but boring for you. So you just get to hear about the non-Rockwell moments.
#1 – PACKING FAIL
Since I was sick before our vacation, I did
very little nothing to prepare for our trip. I told everyone they were responsible for packing for themselves. Jim made sure all the bags were ready to go and loaded all the luggage in the car.
Except his. He had 2 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts for the entire week.
#2 – GONE TO THE DOGS
We folded down the back row of seats in our suburban for the dogs to ride. Except for a cooler, they had the entire back area of the car.
They instantly jumped the cooler to cram themselves on top of the suitcases. And Greg.
“We just wanna’ be wif you guys.”
#3 – SWEET OR SOUR I’ve always been a mosquito magnet and couldn’t step out of the wooded lake house without the little buggers instantly finding me.
Me: “I must be really sweet. The mosquitos just won’t leave me alone!”
Greg: “That’s why I love you Mom…”
Me: <<Smiling – thinking he’s agreeing that I’m SOOO sweet>>
Greg: “…Because you keep them away from ME.”
#4 – NUCLEAR REACTION
We made the mistake of telling the boys that the water temperature was 91 degrees because the lake was built to cool a nuclear power plant.
They were convinced we were swimming in toxic waste.
#5 – DEEP DISH FISHING Despite many fishing attempts during the week, nothing was caught. On the last day, Jim stuck a leftover pepperoni on his hook on a whim. He instantly caught a fish.
The fish must have heard that someone ordered a pizza with anchovies.
#6 – JAKE SPARROW
Jake is a hat guy but forgot to bring any on the trip. He searched for a “souvenir hat,” but we couldn’t find any tourist-y shops. He finally found a baseball hat with a pirate skull at a little country store. Since it was the ONLY hat around, I said yes without really looking at it.
Later I noticed there were words under the pirate skull.
“Surrender the booty.”
Aaaaargh, not the best choice for a 14 year old.
#7 – GAME OVER During a game of Battleship, Greg called an incorrect guess by Jim a “close miss.” Of course, Jim’s next guess was a hit. He tried to explain to Greg that by calling it a close miss, that was a clue that the ship was probably next to that spot.
“Loose lips sink ships must be about this game.”
#8 – RULES SCHMULES
We rented a boat for the week. The agreement stated “no water sports” which we interpreted as “we have to say that because we don’t want you to sue us if you get hurt.” So we attached a tube to the boat anyway. The marina called Jim’s cell while we were in the midst of tubing to tell us they could see us. Oopsie.
Note to self: When breaking boating rules, don’t ride back and forth RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MARINA that RENTED YOU THE BOAT!
Since the marina threatened to take the boat away for violating the rental terms, we followed the rules…until the last day. You are going to confiscate the boat now? Thanks! Now we don’t have to return it in an hour.
In the mean time we improvised and invented “kayak tubing.”
#9 – PHOBIA PHAIL
I’m terrified of water. Not as much the water necessarily as what I can’t see IN the water.
Why do they have to call them “bodies” of water anyway?? And I know sharks are only in salt water, but I’m sure there is SOMETHING in that lake just as scary. Like a mutant toxic waste fish-snake-lizard.
The boys kept asking me to go tubing (before we got busted) and, not wanting to look like a pathetic chicken in front of them, I hesitantly agreed. The tube had already taken quite a few trips behind the boat.
I jumped in and instantly thought it felt too squishy. Everyone poo-poo’d my concerns as paranoia.
Again, not wanting to be a chicken, I decided to go with the flow. The boat started moving and the front of the tube instantly went under and the entire thing filled with water.
My worst fear! I was sinking!! By the time they pulled me back to the boat, the tube was completely submerged and almost completely out of air. And everyone was laughing hysterically. At my hysterics.
I wasn’t amused. Jim will damn well make sure the thingies where the tube is inflated (what are they called anyway??) are tightly plugged next time.
After my titanic experience, I was definitely scarier than any mutant sea creature.
#10 – ENGINE FAIL(URE)
One night we boated to a restaurant for dinner. On the way back, the engine overheated. We spent the next two hours waiting for the engine to cool, and then moving full speed for about 30 seconds before it would overheat again. Did I mention that the lake is 17 miles long? And that of the 4 cell phones we had on the boat, 3 had dead batteries?
The lower the sun went, the higher the stress level went. I tend to inappropriately joke when I’m stressed. So even though I was envisioning spending the night on a pitch dark lake surrounded by the Loch Ness monster, I made up songs. The skipper and Gilligan would have been proud.
“The Dad was a mighty boating man. The mother brave and sure. Six passengers went to dinner that day. For a three course meal. A three course meal.
The engine started turning off. The tiny ship was stuck…”
The favorite was to the tune of 70s song “We need the funk. Gotta have that funk. Ow.” Click on the link to listen so you can visualize us on the boat singing…
“We broke the boat. Gotta fix that boat. Ow.”
We didn’t really venture further than that for those lyrics. Everyone just joined in right away and sang that same line over and over. And over. I never need to hear that song again.
When the engine would get too hot and cut off, the boat couldn’t be steered and would just drift. As we approached a bridge, Jim was trying to time it to make sure the engine didn’t overheat too close to the bridge so we wouldn’t drift into the bridge supports. It was at that moment that I realized just how much Eric is like me. He broke into song to the tune of “I love it” by Icona Pop (again, feel free to click on the link so you can sing along)…
“I got this feeling on a summer day when we’re afloat. I crashed my boat into a bridge. I watched, I let it sink. I threw the engine into a bag and pushed it in the lake. I crashed my boat into the bridge. I don’t care, I love it. I don’t care.”
We finally got someone to answer the phone at the marina as the sun was setting behind the trees and the response was “You really need to get the boat off the lake. It’s almost dark.” Gee thanks. I wish we’d thought of that two hours ago. Then we were given the option of calling a $350 tow boat.
Jimmy pulled out the paddles instead.
#11 – SOLAR FLARE
Lupus and the sun don’t mix. We rented a boat with a canopy so I could stay in the shade. Unfortunately, when we were stuck on the lake on the broken down boat, the sun was too low and there was no shade.
Lupus and stress also don’t mix. Apparently when you put the three together, it’s no bueno. As the sun crept below the canopy, whatever area of my skin the beams would reach almost instantly broke out in a burning rash.
It was very bizarre. I could actually watch my skin turn red and splotchy within 10 seconds of the sun hitting it.
But I tried to keep singing anyway. (It ended up lasting for weeks. The burn/rash, not the singing.)
#12 – LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
The lake is in a town called Bumpass. Four boys in a town by that name…the jokes are endless. End. Less.
Vacation win though? When your kids are misbehaving, it is perfectly acceptable to say
“You are being a pain in the Bumpass.”
P.S. Don’t leave yet. At the bottom of the photos is a vacation video you don’t want to miss. It’s pee your pants funny. Trust me, I found that out the hard way.
Cute photo, huh?
I had 247 rejects such as this before I got them all to smile at once.
Sorry, I don’t think I can post videos here so you have to go view it on my FB page. It’s really worth the extra click though! Click here —> VIDEO OF THE SPINNING CONTEST.