Category Archives: Humor

I Got Tricked, But You Could Get A Treat #FrozenCostume #Giveaway

When Jimmy was a toddler, he became quite obsessed with Halloween.  One day he announced that he wanted to have the scariest house in the neighborhood.  I took that challenge and ran with it.  I started stockpiling terrifying and gruesome décor.

November 1st became my “Black Friday.”  I’d be up bright and early ordering discounted items online and waiting at the party store when it opened to clear out their clearance section.

I finally had to curb my enthusiasm for buying all things Halloween – because my storage room was full (and my bank account empty!).  But we still look forward to the most spooktacular day of the year.

After shopping for all things scary, I prided myself on being the bravest “Mummy” around, but once when I reached in this bin to grab a decoration that was under some costume capes, I was turned into a total scaredy cat!

What do you think had me so terrorized???

No, it wasn’t the monster hand that frightened me.

It was something

much,

much

scarier.

The not-so-scaredy cat, Mushu, wasn’t startled at all.  He was just annoyed that I woke him.  That’ll teach me to make sure it is JUST black capes before I stick my hand in next time…


Filed under the “things I never thought I’d have to say” category…

“Don’t hit your brother with the cat!!!!!”

Don’t worry, it isn’t Mushu.


Mushu may not have been afraid when I reached in the bin, but I think he met his match.

I always loved the “spot the differences” game.


Brownie really enjoyed this scratch behind the ears.

She just didn’t know it was going to cost an arm and a leg.

She still owes us the leg.


Notice anything unusual in this “Trunk or Treat” photo?  No, not the flying white witch.  Or the giant cockroach.  Or the freaky looking face to the left of Greg (although I don’t remember that being there when I took the photo…hmm…).  Check out Eric’s “bag” for collecting his candy.

Yes, it is an empty ravioli box.  Not decorated, not disguised, not even tucked in flaps.  Just a ravioli box.


Buying a costume for trick-or-treating is always a highlight of the season but some costumes can cost an arm and a leg (and not the kind used for Brownie’s back scratch!).  I’m sure one or two of you has heard of a little movie called Frozen.  😉  I’m also sure it will be THE costume of choice for most of the younger set this year.  My kids are unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how many times I’ve avoided hearing “Let It Go”) past the Frozen infatuation.  While they are more into chilling thrilling zombies than chilly silly snowmen, I know many of you are knee deep in Elsa-and-Anna-land, so I’m teaming up with Kandoo and some of my favorite bloggers on Instagram to co-host an epic Frozen Halloween costume giveaway. What Elsa could be better? (ba-dum-ching) And there’s a gift card prize too – for all the thawed boys and ghouls.

Frozen IG Contest

We’re giving away three Frozen Halloween costumes and a $100 Amazon Gift card! I can hear the squeals from here!

Frozen IG Contest Prizes

Enter Now!

Complete the form below to enter. Four winners will be chosen to receive one of the prizes. Must be 18 years of age to enter. Giveaway ends at Midnight on Saturday, October 11, 2014.

Be sure to Instagram your kids in their favorite Halloween costumes using #FrozenHalloween. We’ll see you there!

Whether you’re trying to potty train your toddler or you just want your older kids to wash their hands every time, be sure to visit Kandoo for great tips, tricks and products for naturally clean fun!

Momopolize received no compensation for sponsoring this event, and is not responsible for the delivery of the prize. Prize delivery is the sole responsibility of Kandoo.

Portions of this post were previously published in Mc-Boo-n-isms. Click here to see more of our Halloween fun.

 

A Bug’s Life. And Death. And Life Again.

Warning:  Insect harmed in the making of this blog post.  But he totally deserved it.

After a long day of whining, I grabbed a glass of wine, gave the boys the look that said “Don’t bug me!” and retreated to the front porch before I ended up flying off the handle.

It was a perfect evening – not too cool and not too swarm.  I began surfing the web and next thing I knew it was dark.  I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.

I was minding my own business, completely beehiving myself when I looked up and saw this ginormous winged creature heading straight for me.  The fact that I could see it coming at me IN THE DARK should tell you how big it was.

It was so huge, I thought it must be a moth but as it approached, the loud buzz proved it was gnat what it appeared to be.  It seemed to be in slow motion, yet fast enough that I didn’t have time to flea from my chair before it smacked right into my shoulder.  I screamed “Sweet moth-er of…it’s ON me!!!” as I flung off the sweatshirt I was wearing and ran inside screaming.

Jim retrieved my shirt from the bushes and told me I had to come see what he found.  I was expecting him to be laughing at me freaking out over a tiny little insect, but what I saw was unbeelievable.

giant bug 1

I was so freaked out, I’m surprised I didn’t break out into hives.  A quick search told me it was a stag beetle, but the size told me it should be called a Volkswagen beetle.  With pinchers.  Pinchers!

With insects, I have a “you leave me alone, I leave you alone” philosophy but this guy obviously crossed the line.  Talk about a buzz kill.

It was either “live and let live” or never step foot on my porch again.  I chose the lesser of two weevils.

I went back in the house screaming and let the Jim be the Don and whack the wise guy before the bugger got us pinched.

Jim squashed that sucker as flat as I Love Lucy squashed those grapes at the Italian vineyard.

Warning: Graphic image.  Viewer discretion advised.

The soda is for size reference.  Trust me, it doesn’t do it justice.

giant bug 2

Make sure you notice that the entire back of the bug is squished to the point that it is gone.  GONE!

I went to bed with visions of beetle chum crawling in my head.  But knowing he was punished for his cruel ant-ticks took the sting out a bit.

What I found when I woke the next morning, however, was beeyond comprehension.  No, not the fact that I was a litterbug and left the can on the porch all night.  LOOK AT THE BUG!!!

giant bug 3

It had not only regenerated its body – it had turned around, walked…and was still alive!!!

I could have sworn I heard a voice say “Stag Beetle, astronaughty. A bug barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic bug. Stag Beetle will be that bug. Better than he was before. Better…stronger…faster.”

How will I ever feel safe on my porch again?  What is the ant, sir?

Perhaps I will have to call in the swat team.

::

Or perhaps I should hope Bugzilla will come to the rescue.  If you thought this post was punny, you MUST read about my encounter with Bugzilla here

::

Or perhaps if Bugzilla doesn’t make another appearance,  I should just drink a lot more wine.  Then I won’t care if I have bionic bugs living in my yard. O Wines

Luckily O Wines sent me wine so I can calm my nerves.  O Wines provided the wine, but I am providing the opinions.

O Wines put a great spin on the wine business by providing college scholarships for low income women and has raised $300,000 through their Opportunity for Success Scholarship program.  Maybe the recipients can study moth-ematics and figure out a way to get rid of the unstoppable (unstompable?) stag beetle!!

I’m not much of a red wine drinker so Jim sampled the 2010 Columbia Valley Red Blend and said it didn’t have that bitter bite some reds can have.  He really enjoyed it, even as a non-traditional pairing with the salmon we were having for dinner.  He said that O Wines blend of Merlot, Carbernet Sauvignon and Syrah resulted in a smooth-like-butter(fly) taste.

I tried the 2011 Columbia Valley Chardonnay (well, Jim sampled some of that too!).  With it’s pear aroma, I’m guessing it would have paired even better with the salmon, but I am the odd bird who prefers my wine withOUT food, so I saved my test for after dinner.  Its not-too-sweet fruity taste wasp the bee’s knees!

And with that, you are probably ready to tell me to stick a cork in it.

::

Do you know another way for me to worm my way into your lives?  Social media!  I’m praying (mantis) you will follow me…

  1. Facebook Page
  2. Twitter
  3. Pinterest
  4. Facebook Profile
  5. I’m also on Instagram, Google+ and LinkedIn but I know you won’t click more than 4 links. 😉

Also make sure you subscribe in the upper left corner via email or Bloglovin’ to get notifications of new posts.  Facebook only shows my posts to about 5-10% of my page followers now (because they want pages to pay for views) so the best way to see what I publish is to subscribe! 

(For you young’uns out there who have never seen The Bionic Man, go watch an episode online.  Now.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Web)site Unseen: Technical Difficulties

I am currently migrating my blog to a self-hosted site and redesigning the layout, and in the process my email subscribers have not been receiving notifications of new posts.  I probably should have titled this “technically challenged” since that’s what I am (you’d never know my college major way-back-when was…computer programming!).  I just rectified the problem so wanted to send out a quick post with links to recent posts that you didn’t receive!  If you could do me a favor and leave a “got it” comment on this post, it would put my mind at ease that I actually DID get the subscriber list moved over properly!

Just click on the titles below to read the recent posts I’ve published:

  1. Top 6 Worries When You Have A Child Going To College: Check out the hilarious photos of what I think Jimmy will look like when I visit for Parents’ weekend.  I had fun playing with PicMonkey on this one.
  2. Are You Kidding Me???:  My Erma Bombeck “You Can Write” moment with Dan Zevin, the 2013 winner of the Thurber Prize for American humor and the 2014 National Society of Newspaper Columnists “Humor, over 50,000 Circulation” winner.  Part 1 of my experience at the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop.  I promise to post Part 2 before the next workshop…in 2016!
  3. My Son Is a Cereal Killer: Family Movie Night with Big G: My own humorous twist on a marshmallow treat recipe, with tips to make it extra yummy!
  4. I’m Scared of the Boogie Man.  It’s Snot Funny:  Nobody nose the trouble I’ve seen.  Sorry, I talk about gross stuff.

Also, I did a fun experiment on Facebook asking for one word comments fb status one word commentthat I will combine into a blog post next week.  From this experiment, I realized I have cruel, heartless fans on my FB page.  Just kidding, but boy did they give me some doozy words to weave into a post.  It’s not too late to participate! Just click here to go to the FB status and leave your one word comment!

While we are talking social media, can you give me a like or follow?? Social media fans are like the bread crumbs that keep a blogger going!

As I approach my 2 year blogging anniversary (later this month), I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who are loyal readers!  I have the best followers around (but don’t tell the other bloggers – I don’t want to make them jealous)!!!

Hopefully my site will be all “perdy” very soon when I finally pick a fancy schmancy theme and figure out how to use it (so it may be a while.  A long while…)!

 

Top 6 Worries When You Have A Child Going To College

Top 6 Worries
Thanks to Gillette for sponsoring this post!

Jimmy leaves for college in a couple of weeks (EEEEEEEEK!), and as the date gets more near, I get more fear.

The first time I see him after the semester begins will most likely be Parents’ weekend.

This is what I am afraid I will find when I arrive…

1. His idea of “doing laundry” will be spraying Febreeze on his dirty clothes.  If he does actually use a washing machine, the clothes will sit there for days, resulting in a moldy, wrinkled mess.

Jimmy Gillette

2. He will go without shaving for so long, he will be offered a recurring role on Duck Dynasty.

Jimmy Gillette beard

3. The word sunblock will not be in his vocabulary.Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn

4. He will not feed himself, causing his eyes to turn black.  You know, like the vampires in Twilight when they get hungry.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungryvampire

 

5. He will not shower for so long, a cloud of dust will follow him around like Pigpen from Peanuts.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungry dirty

Oh wait, I just thought of the worst possibility of all…

6. He will change so much, it will be like he was abducted by aliens who have taken over his body.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungry dirty alien

Fortunately, Gillette has helped eliminate worry #2! They have a blade refill subscription service that delivers Gillette’s blades directly to your door!  How cool is that?!  And it’s only about $1 a week for most guys.   Since I’m sure Jimmy will be using all his spare time for studying, taking advantage of a subscription that means one less thing to shop for is a no-brainer (See what I did there?).

Now if I could just convince the university to offer room service I would be able to take #4 off the list…

P.S. NO, I don’t actually think Jimmy is going to turn into a vampire or an alien.  That’s just crazy.  I mean, his college is in the mountains, so turning into a werewolf is much more likely.  Duh. 

P.P.S. Seriously (for once)…While it is true that I am feeling much trepidation over Jimmy leaving, I couldn’t be more proud of the responsible young man he’s turned into.  I have no doubt that he will thrive at college and will be able to feed and clothe himself just fine.  Except for the wrinkled shirt part. 

::Gillette Razor Subscription Service

Disclaimer: Compensation was provided by Gillette via MomTrends.  The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not indicative of the opinions of Gillette or MomTrends.

The Gillette Fusion ProGlide with Flexball Technology is the first razor of its kind, with a new handle that adjusts and pivots to respond to the contours of a man’s face for fewer missed hairs. Using existing Fusion ProGlide cartridges, the new handle lets the cartridge move in three dimensions for maximum contact. The result is #ShavingRebuilt for an entirely new shave experience. Men who tried the Fusion ProGlide with FlexBall Technology prefer it 2-to-1 over the standard Fusion ProGlide*.  And since it uses the same blades as the Fusion ProGlide, it’s a one-time purchase for a 2X better shave.

*Jimmy agreed.  “It’s really cool” were his exact words, I think.  Which from an 18 year old is very high praise!

***Under Construction:  Site re-design in progress.***

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Scared of the Boogie Man. It’s Snot Funny. #Giveaway

I’m not afraid of the Boogie Man jumping out from under my bed or hiding in my closet.  My fear of the Boogie Man comes from seeing him in broad daylight, in a school classroom.

I was volunteering in the kindergarten classroom when I looked across the room to see my son (who shall remain nameless) “picking a winner,” if you know what I mean.

And that was the day I realized I was the Boogie Man’s mother.

It was also the day I gained much respect for kindergarten teachers once I noticed that over half the class was digging or scratching some body part they shouldn’t be. 

Snot’snot funny.  Oops.  Missed a space there.

But you know what is fun(ny)?  Winning a $50 gift card from Walmart!  I’ve admitted time and time and time again that I’m a Walmartian (and belong on the People of Walmart website).   You can also win a Boogie Wipes prize pack, because – let’s face it – before kidS learns what it means to blow through their noses, colds usually end up causing a tarred and feathered face when using tissues.  I’m surprised no one has marketed booger glue – when that stuff dries, it’s stronger than cement and super glue combined.

Pardon me while I go hurl.

I should probably tell a joke to get the mucus mucilage memory erased from your brain.  So…How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy What Does the Kid Say??? which is a compilation of hysterical toddler speak including sneezes referred to as “Bless Yous.”

::

In celebration of Great Grape Boogie Wipes being sold at Walmart, I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes to offer the Great Grape Summer Giveaway!  One winner will be drawn each week for eight weeks and will receive a $50 Walmart gift card and a Boogie Wipes prize pack.

How to Enter

From following some of our favorite bloggers on social media to instagramming a picture of your Great Grape purchase at Walmart, there are dozens of ways to enter – and a few ways to enter every single day.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Want to have more fun this summer?

Visit the Boogie Wipes blog for all sorts of summer fun ideas – including Sidewalk Chalk Recipes, Crafts and Games to Play with Pool Noodles and DIY Board Games (for when it rains).

Giveaway is live Tuesday, July 8, 2014 until midnight on Tuesday, September 2, 2014. US and Canada residents only. One winner will be chosen each week and will be notified via email. Momopolize received no compensation for sponsoring this event, and is not responsible for the delivery of the prize. Prize delivery is the sole responsibility of Boogie Wipes.

Life’s a Gas and Then You Poo

As the only female in a house full of boys, I had to accept long ago that our house would be overflowing with potty talk (literally* and figuratively).  When Jimmy was a baby, I teased a friend for having her sons refer to farts as “bongos.”  By the time Jimmy was old enough to find humor in bodily functions, I quickly understood her logic.  We too adapted the “bongo” technique.  Cottonelle Clean Care and Flushable Wipes disclosure

It was much more discrete to walk through a store with yells of…

“I just bongo’d.”

“I bongo’d free (3) times!”

“My bongo sounds like thunder.”

Rather than…

“I farted. I farted.  I faaaaaaaart-ed.”

“I cut the three cheese pizza.”

“Did you hear that thunder from down under??”

Speaking of shopping, I once found a shirt with a picture of monkeys on the front and BONGO BROTHERS in a large font.  Best.  Find.  Ever.  And no one knew why I chuckled every time I looked at it.  But I digress…

By the time Greg came along, I was eternally grateful to my friend for the “bongo” tip.  It saved many an embarrassing moment.  Especially when in the midst of a crowd and hearing the bellow of, “Mommy!  Did you bongo???”  I could just laugh and pretend to play drums.  (And NO, I did NOT bongo.  Girls do not bongo.)

Boys may think farts are funny, but poop?  Now that is a source of pride.  They have no qualms spouting off details about their grunt sculpture.  I always know who finished his serving of corn the night before, who dropped something the size of a forearm and who needs to refer to it as #3.

Once while driving home, one who shall remain nameless (although I’m not sure why since, you know, poo pride) had to poop.  Urgently.  He finally yelled, “Hurry!  I’m playing whack-a-mole back here!”  I will never look at that carnival game the same again.

My least favorite is the reference of “dropping the kids off at the pool.” That brings back horrid memories of once finding floating evidence that someone had dropped their kid off at the pool while I was IN THE POOL (No, not my kid.  I mean not my kid’s kid.  I mean not my kid’s poop.  Whatever.). 

I said I’d never write about poop and now I have.  More than once.  But it’s all Cottonelle’s fault this time!  They asked me to review do a review as part of their #letstalkbums campaign (if you landed here because you Googled “let stalk bums,” you may leave now. Right now.)

I am sure I was selected because, well, four sons automatically makes one a potty expert.  I am, after all, the one who improved the common “If you sprinkle when you tinkle” jingle by adding a second verse.

“If you splat when you shat, after you flush please use the brush.”

I bought my Cottonelle® Flushable Cleansing Cloths with Clean Care toilet paper at CVS.  I must admit I was a bit skeptical at first about the Cleansing Cloths – because “adult baby wipes” came to mind – but, honestly, it makes sense.  You wouldn’t wash your hands with a dry paper towel, right?

I’ve always been a bit of a TP snob.  I hate the public restroom rolls.  Not enough to bring my own roll in my purse, but Cottonelle Clean Care makes that thought more tempting.  It is even made with 100% virgin fibers.  Because you don’t want any recycled fibers on your bum! (If you Googled anything to do with public restrooms or tempting virgins to get here, you can also leave.  And shame on you.)If you splat when you shat

*Read about when our house literally overflowed in the post “Can’t Make This Sh*t Up!”

If at first you don’t succeed, flush, flush again.

Our Guilt Trip To DC

Last year we accidentally started a tradition of “last day of spring break Guilt Trips.”  This is how it began (THIS year’s guilt trip will be in a future post.)…

Over spring break, we did nothing all week.  And I mean noth. ing.  Unless you count sleeping and playing video games.  Well, just sleeping for me.  I saw all the fun trip photos everyone else in the world seemed to be posting on Facebook and came to a terrifying realization.  When the kids returned to school and were asked what they did during spring break, they’d have nothing fun to tell.  Noth. ing.  And I’d look like the slacker Mom.

With one day of break left, I declared it National-go-somewhere-fun-so-I-look-like-a-good-Mom day.  We live very close to DC so could go anytime we want.  But I chose one of the biggest tourist days of the year to go.  Brilliant.

We spent 2 hours getting there (including pit stops on the way for the bank, gas station and breakfast, of course) since the rest of the country was also on the way there.

We planned to go to the Spy Museum, since we’d never been.  We usually go to the free museums, but I knew I’d get extra “good Mom points” for spending money.  Unfortunately, lots of other Moms must have been going for those points because the line was out the door, down the block, around the corner, and down another block.  I had already spent the morning on the road, I wasn’t going to spend the afternoon waiting in line just to ease my conscious. Not when we could literally come any other day of the year.

Plan B, free museums.

One problem.  Zero parking spaces.  Parking garages full.  We drove and drove.  And drove.  At one point Eric asked “Didn’t we pass that same building 20 minutes ago?”  He was right.  We did.  We finally found a space near our house (kidding, but it seemed that far away).

We started walking down the busy sidewalks and after watching many people dodge us, I realized we were taking up the entire sidewalk.  Not only weren’t we walking single-file, we were walking hexadic-file.  (Yeah, I made up a new use for that word.)

There they go, just a walkin' down the street.   Getting in the way of everyone they meet.
There they go, just a walkin’ down the street.
Getting in the way of everyone they meet.

As we strolled toward the National Mall, Eric very excitedly yelled “A PIGEON!!  A PIGEON!!  I’VE NEVER SEEN A PIGEON BEFORE!”

We really don’t get out much.

They were equally thrilled over the DC castle.  What?  You didn’t know DC has a castle?  Some may call it the old Post Office but it is Chez Parcel Palace.  Like I said, we don’t get out much.

Post Office Castle

Plan B included a request to go to the Pencil Building (National Monument).  Unfortunately it was roped off for earthquake repair and this was as close as we could get.

Washington Monument Construction

Moving on to Plan C, we headed to the Lincoln Memorial.  We had to take a break on the steps.  After all, we had had a busy day of…nothing.  Oh wait, we had the pigeon sighting.

Steps

We discovered my cell phone camera had magical cloning powers.  Must have been the pigeons.

Jimmy clone

The Vietnam Memorial was the serious part of our day.  Seeing the names of every fallen soldier etched into the wall was an indescribable experience.  There was complete and utter silence, even though there were hundreds of people walking through with us.

Vietnam Memorial

As we exited the memorial, the somber moment ended abruptly.  I will attempt to recreate the scene.

Close your eyes.

Imagine hearing music that is getting louder and louder.  It is blaring.  You realize the blaring music is coming from a boom box.  A boom box in a flowered basket.  A flowered basket attached to a (very) small bike.  A (very) small bike driven by a (very) large middle aged man.  A (very) large middle aged man riding with no handle bars because he’s waving his arms in the air to the beat of the blaring music.

And the song that is blaring?  “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” 

Bike rider Don't Ya Wish Your GirlfriendWas Hot Like Me

After that excitement, I was ready to call it a day but the boys wanted the FULL Nation’s Capital experience, which meant souvenir shopping.  They went from street vendor to street vendor like kids in a candy shop. “A GIANT dime for only a dollar???” “Moooom!  They have an AMERICAN FLAG tie!!” (Remember, we don’t get out much.)  The result: tacky tourists extraordinaire.

Tacky Tourists

The most expensive item (the tie) was $5.  We made out like bandits compared to what the spy museum would have cost and had four ecstatic guys.

Jimmy even got to put his FBI beanie to use.  Greg, you aren’t bribing an officer with that giant dime are you???

FBI

We ended the day with the holy grail for boys: Phillips all-you-can-eat buffet.

Remember the tidbit of information about the restaurant.  It is crucial to the chain of events for THIS year’s Guilt Trip to Bawlmer (Baltimore).

Quote of the day (after observing many joggers): “It must be a pain to run in DC with all the crowds and roads.  It’s run, stop, wait, run, run, stop, run, stop.  Hey Mom, YOU should jog in DC because you stop all the time too.” ~Jimmy

_____________________________________________________________

***The information below is sponsored. I was compensated for sharing these tips on purchasing a bike (hey, now maybe we can go on a fancier Guilt Trip next spring break!) but all opinions, stories and shenanigans are my own.***   

Cycle of Life: Buying Kids’ Bikes Online

Buying kids bikes online has many benefits, but it can sometimes be overwhelming, especially if you are looking for your child’s first bike. Size is an important factor when bike shopping (something boom box man obviously didn’t consider).  A good rule of thumb is your child should be able to touch the ground with the tips of their toes while sitting. One of the best bargains in buying a bike online is to simply buy it used. Because kids outgrow their bikes, parents often post these bikes for sale on the Internet. Another option is to go to a local store and test out bikes there. Once you’ve figured out which bike works best, go online and order it. Not only can you be more confident in your purchase, you’ll save money through ordering it online. The final thing to do before you purchase is to make sure you’re in shape!  Once your child learns how to ride the bike, they may not want to stop and you might have to dash after them!

No Mother’s Perfect: What Does The Kid Say?? (Plus Funniest Tweets and a Giveaway)

HOST MOAM blog tour & giveaway buttonThere is a new Mother of All Meltdowns site! No Mother Is Perfect is a community for the perfectly imperfect mother! A place where you can let your guard down and talk about the meltdowns, struggles, and less rosy aspects of being a mom…  I am participating in the blog tour by interviewing the authors of Mother of All Meltdowns (MOAM) to help celebrate!  Please enjoy these hilarious examples of “Toddler Speak,” plus they share their favorite tweets with us.  Make sure you keep reading to the end for a fabulous (and I mean fabulous!) giveaway!

Thanks to Anew for sending me their Riesling wine to enjoy while I wrote this post.  I didn't receive any other compensation and all opinions are my own.
Thanks to Anew for sending me their Riesling wine to enjoy while I wrote this post. I didn’t receive any other compensation and all opinions are my own.

When my kids would pronounce a word incorrectly, or say a completely different word, I always called it Toddler Speak.  I could name enough words to come up with an entirely new language, but my favorite is Jake’s word for Chick-Fil-A.  He used to call it “Chicken Leg” and I still do to this day, even though he is 15.  I asked the MOAM authors for THEIR favorites, and the answers are wackier than the lyrics for “What Does the Fox Say?”  (Maybe Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow is toddler fox speak?)

Tamara (Like) Camera Scarlet calls the crust of sandwiches – “the crotch.” I have no idea how this started but since we’re immature, we never corrected her. It’s just so cute! Anyway, she was at a friend’s house for a play date, and her friend’s mom does not speak English as a first language. She was VERY confused when she was making Scarlet a sandwich and Scarlet asked very innocently, “Will you cut my crotch off?” (This is probably why we should correct our kids, right?)

Kiss My List When my daughter was a toddler, she would ask for a fork and knife, but she hadn’t mastered the “r” sound. So my husband and I found it quite amusing to hear our two year old ask for a f—ckin’ knife. And while we’ve told her this story, we do not allow her to mispronounce that phrase anymore.

The Golden Spoons Once, when my middle daughter was learning to read and we were in a restaurant, she wanted to order Coke which I don’t usually et them do, but this time I gave in. She proudly and loudly mispronounced “Coke” and announced, “Yay! Mommy said I could have Cock!!”

Menopausal Mother The funniest thing my son said when he was little was he used to call hotels ” Ho and Tells”, which is something entirely different than a place to rest your head at night….or is it? HAHAHA!

Fining Ninee My son says a lot of words weirdly because he’s got a pretty severe speech and language disorder but I think the cutest one these days is his word for butt, which is “my bommommb.” He also says “my peenee” for penis, which is pretty awesome.

Science of Parenthood When my son was about 2, he went on a milk strike. And then one frigid winter day, I made him some hot chocolate. He loved it. So I wondered if he liked it hot, maybe he’d drink it cold. So I mixed some Nestle Quick in some milk and told him it was “cold” hot chocolate. He downed every drop. End of milk strike. We call it cold hot chocolate today, and our son is 8.

The Mom Café Funniest thing: My daughter STILL calls her sneezes “Bless yous”. She is almost 11, and I’m seriously not sure she even realizes they are called sneezes. Every time she sneezed when she was little, I would say “Bless YOU!”- it stuck.

No Holding Back It may not be the funniest thing ever, but I think it’s hilarious that my daughter thought Mac n cheese was called “Monkey cheese.” To this day, we still call it that! And, when I was pregnant with my twins, my four year old son came up to me, put his hands right on my boobs and said “Mommy are these the babies heads?” I still laugh about that.

Pink When The funniest thing “lately” (I say lately because she always comes up with crazy stuff) is that when the kids are playing Minecraft on the iPad, Addy doesn’t want to be left out. She screams and screams to the top of her voice that she also wants “EYE CRAPT” It took me a while to realize she was talking about the game and not using slang for soiling her clothing.

Tao of Poop My daughter calls The Statue of Liberty “The Statue of Lovely.”

Writer Mom Blog My daughter called the computer “puter” and we thought it was adorable until she went to Kindergarten and wondered why other kids weren’t calling it that! My son called the Playstation the “Gas Station.” The first time he called it that it took quite awhile to figure out what he wanted.

Baking in a Tornado When my son was little he called water “addle.” I felt like such a failure as a mom because it took me forever to figure out what he was saying. But the day he asked for “addle-moon” I felt like a mom success as I grabbed the dish of watermelon and passed it to him. We don’t use the term but every now and then I’ll ask him if he wants an “addle bottle”. He just looks at me and rolls his eyes.
Another Jennifer Blog My younger son, who is 5, has had some great mispronunciations that have stuck. We routinely say “lusually” instead of usually, ‘hobsital” instead of hospital and “up-tie-side-down” instead of upside down. My older son, who is 8, mistakenly called Domino’s Pizza “Checkers” one time. That has stuck as well!

Crayon Marks and Tiger Stripes My son calls cuddling “cuggle.” It’s more sweet than it is funny. We “cuggle” a lot! He is quite the cuggler.

The Liebers My youngest used to call strawberries “Strawbeebees.” Actually, since I mentioned it out loud he’s started calling them that again! My daughter used to say cu-buzz instead of because. She also said laa-loo instead of I love you. She still uses that one when she’s being cutesy.

My Skewed View My son called yesterday “lasterday”, the first time he said it I thought maybe it was a one shot deal but it stuck. We still say lasterday instead of yesterday 5 years later.

Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos My daughter used to call spaghetti, skabetti and My 4yo called the computer the ‘puter. We still sometimes call them those as a joke.
Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad My daughter always used to say “lasterday” for yesterday and “smallberry” for strawberry. So cute.
Janie’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic  My three year old started to tell me that in this past winter’s polar vortex weather she needed her “babing suit” aka as her bathing suit to wear. She was trying to be cute and funny making me laugh about wanting to wear a bathing suit in the freezing cold, but the way she said it was even more adorable mispronouncing it. Totally can’t help but smile thinking about it and definitely can’t help but want to say it that way, too.
A Dish of Daily Life We’ve always let the kids pick their birthday dinners. Growing up in New England, lobster has always been one of those special occasion meals for our kids. When my youngest son was little, he always picked lobster, but for some reason he called it “the pink meat.” One year his dinner request was for “the pink meat” and cantaloupe. Quite the combination!

Urban Moo Cow My son is bilingual in English and Italian. When we lived in Brooklyn, there was a point in time when he would seemingly curse on the elevator all the time. In Italian, “fare la cacca” means “to poop” and “bimbo” means boy baby. This is basically how it would go:

H: Fuck-a-cah?          Me: Fai la cacca? (Are you pooping?)

H: Fuck a cookie!      Me: FAI LA CACCA? [enunciating]

H: Fuck a! Fuck a cah!! Bimbo fuck a cookie!

I definitely got some weird looks. Even just “bimbo” would prompt sidelong glances.

English was no better, frankly. At one point he became obsessed with the nursery rhyme Hickory Dickory Dock from an Elmo book my mom gave him for Christmas. (Thanks, Mom. Always knew you’d get your revenge.)

H: More crack?        Me: You want to hear about the clock?

H: Yeah, crack!       [5,673 readings of Hickory Dickory Dock]

H: Mamma! More more crack!      Me: No more clock, lovie.

H: (Screaming) MORE CRACK. MAMMA CRACK!

Four Hens and a Rooster The one that sticks out in my mind that we DO still use is “The Big Show” for Toys R Us. I have NO idea why my (now) 15 year old started it calling it that when she was 2 or 3, except maybe the lights, toys, etc but the Rooster and I still will say “hey – I have to go the Big Show and pick up a gift.

Home on Deranged The funniest thing to hear our almost 2 year old say wrong is her own last name. It’s supposed to be Swedoski (sweh-dah-ski), but, at her lovely young age, it comes out as “Pidossi” (Peh-dah-see). It’s really hilarious on video. And I told my husband I’m thinking of changing my name.

Lemon Drop Pie My daughters have always had excellent language skills, so much so that when my oldest was only four she taught the baby not to say “wawee” but to clearly say “water.” They take after my husband; when I was little, my mom was a member of a woman’s church group called “Ladies’ Aid.” I asked her, “Are we going to Lemon’s Aid?”

***FAVORITE TWEETS AND QUOTES***

Menopausal Mother: “Dawned on me I left all my bras and underwear in my dresser drawer at the Marriott….well that was certainly a fun call to make to the hotel…”

Pink When: From @ComedyTruth “If you can’t handle me at my Amanda Bynes, you don’t deserve me at Beyoncé”

A Dish of Daily Life: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

Janine’s Confessions: I would rather get a colonoscopy rather than go shoe shopping with my husband and kids again!!

The Mom Café: From @KateWhineHall My son just yelled “MOM!” seven times while I was taking a shower. Haha, like I was going to answer that.

Baking In a Tornado: I don’t know if this is my favorite, but this happened when I first started using Twitter and didn’t know what I was doing. I had about 50 followers (no idea how) including one (only one, not both) of my sons. I somehow thought I was only tweeting to him when I tweeted “call your mom”. Next thing I know I’m getting about 25 tweets from strangers saying things like “done”, “ok”, “I will” and “just did”. I think a lot of moms were happy to receive unexpected phone calls that day. Of course this mom never heard from her kid.

No Holding Back: This is one of my favorite tweets ever… it was in the midst of a really funny twitter convo with some of my fave peeps. We were having a moms night in on twitter. @TamaraCamPhoto @JanineHuldie @RaisingReagan @katbiggie haha! My kids don’t fart a lot. It’s a cruel joke because farting always makes me laugh.

Kiss My List:  “Boy: Look Mom! You can see my heart beating through my chest. Jeez, eat a donut, kid. @kissmylist” I sent this tweet almost a year ago, and the boy has grown taller but no less transparent.

Tamara (Like) Camera: I don’t know my favorite tweet but I did that thing where you find your first tweet ever. This was mine: “Will someone inform Bob Weir that we’re dating? I don’t think he knows yet.” What a thing to say! Although I do love Bob Weir.

Four Hens and a Rooster: One of the big highlights was when Ashley Judd and I got into a twitter conversation a couple of years ago after that “puffy face” thing. I thanked her for having the cajones to tell the press to shove it and it went from there.

Home On Deranged: “Had a sleeve of peanut butter sandwich cookies for dinner. Don’t get mad. The 2 year old got a Lunchable. #highfive @HolyHorrible”

Lemon Drop Pie: “A mother’s love: giving most of my churro to my 8 year old daughter, who then doesn’t go to sleep until well after 9:30. #finallymetime”

Crayon Marks and Tiger Stripes: “I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Picasso”

My Skewed View: “The boy is re-enacting the Civil War. Taped a butter knife to the end of his rifle and is running around the house (galloping on his horse). @jenkehl”

Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos: By author Elin Hilderbrand @elinhilderbrand “I guess that’s why your twitter name is @queenofchaosmom. I tried to get that twitter name but it was taken.”

Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad: by @MarieForleo “The future is always beginning now ~Mark Strand”

Another Jennifer Blog: by @fiercedivablog “@anotherjenb here’s to blogging even when the world falls apart around us.” Jennifer has also been called the queen of bacon on Twitter and has been retweeted by @Cheese. How many people can say they’ve been retweeted by Cheese?

 

***GIVEAWAY AND REVIEW***

To celebrate the launch of the new community, there is a fabulous No Mother is Perfect, But Every Mother is Unique Mother’s Day Giveaway brought to you by The Mother of All Meltdowns…Pick up your copy today through Mother’s Day for only $0.99 on Amazon!  Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 11th 2014! And we want moms everywhere to accept the meltdowns, stop chasing perfection, and embrace their uniquity. You won’t find this word listed in Webster’s, but you will find it within every mother on the planet. Enter between April 1, 2014 to May 11, 2014 to win one of three fabulous prize packages including a three night stay for two at a destination spa!

Sponsored by The Oaks at Ojai, Cariloha, Wicker Central, Metropolis Coffee Company, Wind & Fire Jewelry, Chuao Chocolatier, Global Rose, & Anew Riesling 

Well that post was long enough that I could have enjoyed a COUPLE of glasses of wine!  The 2012 Anew Riesling has a nice fruity taste – slightly peachy – and not too sweet! Anew suggests pairing this wine with Asian dishes, smoked salmon, lobster salad, pasta with light sauces and blue cheese.  Also according to Anew, 2012 was an ideal season for growing Riesling—warm through the summer and then cooling down through fall, allowing the grapes to ripen slowly and evenly. As a result the wines have a lovely purity of fruit combined with a nice balance of acidity.

No Mother's Perfect Giveaway

 

The One Percent, Parenting Edition

There are many days I feel like parenting is 99% frustration.  But just when I feel like I’m drowning in griping, bickering and all out brawls, it happens.  That brief glimpse of cooperating, supporting and all out harmony.

It’s the parenting 1%.

Just like the richest 1% holds almost half of the world’s wealth, the parenting 1% holds almost half of parental bliss!

Speaking of 99%, that is also about the same the percentage of posts I write that are complaining, busting on or poking fun at my guys.  Because let’s face it – that’s funnier.  In atonement for throwing them under the bus over and over (and over), THIS is their 1%.

I – stealthily – snapped these photos through our front door glass.  And…ummmm…ignore the fact that Greg is barefoot and in shorts while wearing a winter coat.  It was 40 degrees that day so I don’t know WHY he thought it was a good idea to go outside like that.  I mean a winter coat??  Crazy kid.

Jake went outside to play basketball but saw Greg struggling to get a successful run on the Hot Wheels track he had built.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 1

Jake searched the bin of track pieces.  The solution required thinking outside of the box.  The Matchbox.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 2

                       By (Gregory) George, I think he’s got it.  (That would have been funnier if any of you knew that Greg’s middle name is George.)

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 3

“Sometimes being a brother is better than being a superhero.” ~ Marc Brown

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 5

Car in hand, it’s time to try, try again.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 6

Mission accomplished!  Even the smallest successes deserve the biggest high fives.  (Unfortunately the small cell camera wasn’t big enough to get the entire high five on film.)

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 7

                  “First a brother, then a bother, now a friend.” ~ Unknown

And now we return to our regularly scheduled sarcasm.

“I smile because you’re my brother, I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!” ~ Unknown

Facebook has changed it’s policy for posts to Facebook pages, like my Momopolize page.  They are only showing posts to a small number of the page “fans” unless the page administrator (me) pays to boost the views, which this administrator (again, me) won’t be doing.  The best way to make sure you will see future blog posts is to subscribe by email (upper right corner).  Show me sisterly love!

You can also go to my Momopolize page, hover over the “liked” button and select get notifications.  Then you will see the little red number show up when I post on the page.  This will notify you of all status updates, not just blog posts.

The biggest compliment is seeing a blog post shared!  Won’t you share??

Why We Should Be Banned from Family Portraits

family portrait 2008
When I saw this 6 year old photo, I realized my teeth were much whiter then & that had to change! Smile Brilliant saved the day! I was compensated for the review below, but all opinions are completely my own.

Some families get annual family portraits professionally taken.  We don’t.  In fact, the last time we did was six years ago.  The time before that Jimmy was a baby.  And now I remember why.

I saw a Groupon offer for the portrait place at our local mall.  I should have remembered how our trips to the mall usually end up.  But in a moment of insanity, I bought the deal.

We aren’t a dress-up-all-cute-and-coordinated type family.  For photos, I’m happy if the clothes are (mostly) unwrinkled, (mostly) unstained and (mostly) clean (yeah, mostly).  Since I knew our next family portrait may be NEVER ever again in another 6 years, I pushed my luck and requested everyone to dress in similar colors.  Jimmy wasn’t home when I screamed down the hall politely said “Wear something with purple or black.”  He didn’t get the memo.  Grey/Black.  Close enough.

After much grumbling and complaining from me the kids, we arrived at the mall.  And even almost on time for our appointment!

I knew we were in trouble when I realized the photographer who was assigned for our shoot had ZERO sense of humor.  She didn’t crack a single smile the entire time.  The Groupon fine print should have included a warning, “Cheapskate Bargain seeking families will be assigned to the grumpiest photographer available.”

We did manage to get one print-worthy photo, which is near the end of this post.  But I know you don’t really care about that.  You are here for the outtakes!

This is what happens when the only photos your kids ever have to pose for are sports related.  Are you ready for some football?? Photo 1: Fail.

Family football small

My kids just weren’t getting the “instructions” she was giving on how/where to stand.  In their defense, she seemed to be trying to make it as confusing as possible.  She finally got tired of trying to get Eric to put his back toward Jake (he kept just turning his head) and just went ahead and snapped this photo.  I guess Greg got tired of waiting too.  Photo 2: Fail.

Greg monkey lips small

The next photo looks simple, right? It wasn’t.  BUT you can’t tell that Jimmy and Jake were trying to inflict pain on their brothers so…  Photo 3: Success.

Boys 1 with caption

Things went down hill quickly.  Photo 4: Fail (but perfectly depicts personalities).

Boys Goofy small size

I think by this point the photographer just wanted to shoot her “required minimum” poses and get the hell away from us. Photo 5: Fail.

Standing on Eric small

I guess the photo above gave the photographer a “bright idea.”  Why on earth she thought my kids would go for her next pose is beyond me.  But she tried.  She told Jake to lay down.  He did.  Then she told Jimmy to lay down.  And he did, next to Jake.  Then it happened.  She said, “No, lay on TOP of him.”  It was the first time all day the boys were silent.  We all realized what pose she was going for.  This…

Awkward Family Photos

The reaction was this… (They are blurry because I was shaking so hard from laughter!)  Photo 6A: Major Fail (so major that it didn’t actually happen.)

family portrait 2014 laughing 2 family portrait 2014 laughing 3

She had had ENOUGH of us and mumbled something before walking out.  Session over.

We picked our favorite pose (it was a really tough choice.  Not.) and left.  I think they locked the doors behind us.  Photo 6B: Success!

Family Photo 1 small

The best photo was good, but not fantastic so I decided to use my mad Microsoft Paint skills to combine the best shot of each person from all of the other outtakes and make it perfect.  Photo 7: NAILED IT!

Family Photo PERFECT

At least now we know what we’d look like as Bobble Heads.

Photo shoot: $16                 Memories: Classless

They have probably modified the Groupon fine print to say “Not valid for anyone affiliated with Momopolize.” 

___

RECOMMENDED PRODUCT: SMILE BRILLIANT TEETH WHITENING KIT 

It was perfect timing to try a teeth whitening kit before getting the long-overdue family portrait!  I received the Smile Brilliant package very quickly.  The kit came with material – which reminded me of silly putty – for the teeth impressions.  The instructions were very simple to follow and only took a few minutes.  My only complaint is that I wanted to play with the “silly putty” longer before it hardened in the mouth piece (Kidding!  I can buy ACTUAL silly putty if I want to play).  Once I received my custom trays, I got busy whitening!   The first time I put the trays in, I thought I would have a hard time keeping them in for the recommended whitening time without gagging, but I got used to it very quickly. I should add an important bit of information here. I’ve had spots on my teeth since I was a child from a reaction to Ampicillin, I think.  Some kind of ‘cillin anyway.  After the first time I used the whitening gel, the white spots were MUCH whiter than the rest of my teeth (i.e. more noticeable than before I used the gel).  I was slightly worried BUT the instructions said the gel is safe for teeth that were discolored by a reaction to medication so I kept at it.  After the second application, the rest of my teeth started to catch up to the white spots and started looking whiter over all!  You can see for yourself in the photos below the big difference after all the daily applications.  Both photos were taken at the same time of the day at the exact same location.  It is much harder to get a good photo of your teeth (and much, much more embarrassing to post them for the world to see) than you’d think it would be.  In full disclosure: the white spots are less noticeable in the photo than in real life, since I couldn’t get a perfectly clear “selfie.”  You can’t see them at all in the second photo.  They are much less noticeable, but still there. That is what I expected though because they’ve always been there!

Jim was so impressed with my results, he is using a kit on his teeth also!

Now for the fun part:  A GIVEAWAY!  One lucky reader will win a kit just like the one I used.  To enter, subscribe to Momopolize via email (in the upper right corner of this page).  If you are already a subscriber, just add a comment below.

teeth before
BEFORE
teeth after
AFTER
 
Contest winner will be chosen on 2/28/14.