Warning: Insect harmed in the making of this blog post. But he totally deserved it.
After a long day of whining, I grabbed a glass of wine, gave the boys the look that said “Don’t bug me!” and retreated to the front porch before I ended up flying off the handle.
It was a perfect evening – not too cool and not too swarm. I began surfing the web and next thing I knew it was dark. I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.
I was minding my own business, completely beehiving myself when I looked up and saw this ginormous winged creature heading straight for me. The fact that I could see it coming at me IN THE DARK should tell you how big it was.
It was so huge, I thought it must be a moth but as it approached, the loud buzz proved it was gnat what it appeared to be. It seemed to be in slow motion, yet fast enough that I didn’t have time to flea from my chair before it smacked right into my shoulder. I screamed “Sweet moth-er of…it’s ON me!!!” as I flung off the sweatshirt I was wearing and ran inside screaming.
Jim retrieved my shirt from the bushes and told me I had to come see what he found. I was expecting him to be laughing at me freaking out over a tiny little insect, but what I saw was unbeelievable.
I was so freaked out, I’m surprised I didn’t break out into hives. A quick search told me it was a stag beetle, but the size told me it should be called a Volkswagen beetle. With pinchers. Pinchers!
With insects, I have a “you leave me alone, I leave you alone” philosophy but this guy obviously crossed the line. Talk about a buzz kill.
It was either “live and let live” or never step foot on my porch again. I chose the lesser of two weevils.
I went back in the house screaming and let the Jim be the Don and whack the wise guy before the bugger got us pinched.
Jim squashed that sucker as flat as I Love Lucy squashed those grapes at the Italian vineyard.
Warning: Graphic image. Viewer discretion advised.
The soda is for size reference. Trust me, it doesn’t do it justice.
Make sure you notice that the entire back of the bug is squished to the point that it is gone. GONE!
I went to bed with visions of beetle chum crawling in my head. But knowing he was punished for his cruel ant-ticks took the sting out a bit.
What I found when I woke the next morning, however, was beeyond comprehension. No, not the fact that I was a litterbug and left the can on the porch all night. LOOK AT THE BUG!!!
It had not only regenerated its body – it had turned around, walked…and was still alive!!!
I could have sworn I heard a voice say “Stag Beetle, astronaughty. A bug barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic bug. Stag Beetle will be that bug. Better than he was before. Better…stronger…faster.”
How will I ever feel safe on my porch again? What is the ant, sir?
Perhaps I will have to call in the swat team.
Luckily O Wines sent me wine so I can calm my nerves. O Wines provided the wine, but I am providing the opinions.
O Wines put a great spin on the wine business by providing college scholarships for low income women and has raised $300,000 through their Opportunity for Success Scholarship program. Maybe the recipients can study moth-ematics and figure out a way to get rid of the unstoppable (unstompable?) stag beetle!!
I’m not much of a red wine drinker so Jim sampled the 2010 Columbia Valley Red Blend and said it didn’t have that bitter bite some reds can have. He really enjoyed it, even as a non-traditional pairing with the salmon we were having for dinner. He said that O Wines blend of Merlot, Carbernet Sauvignon and Syrah resulted in a smooth-like-butter(fly) taste.
I tried the 2011 Columbia Valley Chardonnay (well, Jim sampled some of that too!). With it’s pear aroma, I’m guessing it would have paired even better with the salmon, but I am the odd bird who prefers my wine withOUT food, so I saved my test for after dinner. Its not-too-sweet fruity taste wasp the bee’s knees!
And with that, you are probably ready to tell me to stick a cork in it.
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(For you young’uns out there who have never seen The Bionic Man, go watch an episode online. Now.)