Category Archives: Joke

A Bug’s Life. And Death. And Life Again.

Warning:  Insect harmed in the making of this blog post.  But he totally deserved it.

After a long day of whining, I grabbed a glass of wine, gave the boys the look that said “Don’t bug me!” and retreated to the front porch before I ended up flying off the handle.

It was a perfect evening – not too cool and not too swarm.  I began surfing the web and next thing I knew it was dark.  I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.

I was minding my own business, completely beehiving myself when I looked up and saw this ginormous winged creature heading straight for me.  The fact that I could see it coming at me IN THE DARK should tell you how big it was.

It was so huge, I thought it must be a moth but as it approached, the loud buzz proved it was gnat what it appeared to be.  It seemed to be in slow motion, yet fast enough that I didn’t have time to flea from my chair before it smacked right into my shoulder.  I screamed “Sweet moth-er of…it’s ON me!!!” as I flung off the sweatshirt I was wearing and ran inside screaming.

Jim retrieved my shirt from the bushes and told me I had to come see what he found.  I was expecting him to be laughing at me freaking out over a tiny little insect, but what I saw was unbeelievable.

giant bug 1

I was so freaked out, I’m surprised I didn’t break out into hives.  A quick search told me it was a stag beetle, but the size told me it should be called a Volkswagen beetle.  With pinchers.  Pinchers!

With insects, I have a “you leave me alone, I leave you alone” philosophy but this guy obviously crossed the line.  Talk about a buzz kill.

It was either “live and let live” or never step foot on my porch again.  I chose the lesser of two weevils.

I went back in the house screaming and let the Jim be the Don and whack the wise guy before the bugger got us pinched.

Jim squashed that sucker as flat as I Love Lucy squashed those grapes at the Italian vineyard.

Warning: Graphic image.  Viewer discretion advised.

The soda is for size reference.  Trust me, it doesn’t do it justice.

giant bug 2

Make sure you notice that the entire back of the bug is squished to the point that it is gone.  GONE!

I went to bed with visions of beetle chum crawling in my head.  But knowing he was punished for his cruel ant-ticks took the sting out a bit.

What I found when I woke the next morning, however, was beeyond comprehension.  No, not the fact that I was a litterbug and left the can on the porch all night.  LOOK AT THE BUG!!!

giant bug 3

It had not only regenerated its body – it had turned around, walked…and was still alive!!!

I could have sworn I heard a voice say “Stag Beetle, astronaughty. A bug barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic bug. Stag Beetle will be that bug. Better than he was before. Better…stronger…faster.”

How will I ever feel safe on my porch again?  What is the ant, sir?

Perhaps I will have to call in the swat team.

::

Or perhaps I should hope Bugzilla will come to the rescue.  If you thought this post was punny, you MUST read about my encounter with Bugzilla here

::

Or perhaps if Bugzilla doesn’t make another appearance,  I should just drink a lot more wine.  Then I won’t care if I have bionic bugs living in my yard. O Wines

Luckily O Wines sent me wine so I can calm my nerves.  O Wines provided the wine, but I am providing the opinions.

O Wines put a great spin on the wine business by providing college scholarships for low income women and has raised $300,000 through their Opportunity for Success Scholarship program.  Maybe the recipients can study moth-ematics and figure out a way to get rid of the unstoppable (unstompable?) stag beetle!!

I’m not much of a red wine drinker so Jim sampled the 2010 Columbia Valley Red Blend and said it didn’t have that bitter bite some reds can have.  He really enjoyed it, even as a non-traditional pairing with the salmon we were having for dinner.  He said that O Wines blend of Merlot, Carbernet Sauvignon and Syrah resulted in a smooth-like-butter(fly) taste.

I tried the 2011 Columbia Valley Chardonnay (well, Jim sampled some of that too!).  With it’s pear aroma, I’m guessing it would have paired even better with the salmon, but I am the odd bird who prefers my wine withOUT food, so I saved my test for after dinner.  Its not-too-sweet fruity taste wasp the bee’s knees!

And with that, you are probably ready to tell me to stick a cork in it.

::

Do you know another way for me to worm my way into your lives?  Social media!  I’m praying (mantis) you will follow me…

  1. Facebook Page
  2. Twitter
  3. Pinterest
  4. Facebook Profile
  5. I’m also on Instagram, Google+ and LinkedIn but I know you won’t click more than 4 links. 😉

Also make sure you subscribe in the upper left corner via email or Bloglovin’ to get notifications of new posts.  Facebook only shows my posts to about 5-10% of my page followers now (because they want pages to pay for views) so the best way to see what I publish is to subscribe! 

(For you young’uns out there who have never seen The Bionic Man, go watch an episode online.  Now.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Web)site Unseen: Technical Difficulties

I am currently migrating my blog to a self-hosted site and redesigning the layout, and in the process my email subscribers have not been receiving notifications of new posts.  I probably should have titled this “technically challenged” since that’s what I am (you’d never know my college major way-back-when was…computer programming!).  I just rectified the problem so wanted to send out a quick post with links to recent posts that you didn’t receive!  If you could do me a favor and leave a “got it” comment on this post, it would put my mind at ease that I actually DID get the subscriber list moved over properly!

Just click on the titles below to read the recent posts I’ve published:

  1. Top 6 Worries When You Have A Child Going To College: Check out the hilarious photos of what I think Jimmy will look like when I visit for Parents’ weekend.  I had fun playing with PicMonkey on this one.
  2. Are You Kidding Me???:  My Erma Bombeck “You Can Write” moment with Dan Zevin, the 2013 winner of the Thurber Prize for American humor and the 2014 National Society of Newspaper Columnists “Humor, over 50,000 Circulation” winner.  Part 1 of my experience at the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop.  I promise to post Part 2 before the next workshop…in 2016!
  3. My Son Is a Cereal Killer: Family Movie Night with Big G: My own humorous twist on a marshmallow treat recipe, with tips to make it extra yummy!
  4. I’m Scared of the Boogie Man.  It’s Snot Funny:  Nobody nose the trouble I’ve seen.  Sorry, I talk about gross stuff.

Also, I did a fun experiment on Facebook asking for one word comments fb status one word commentthat I will combine into a blog post next week.  From this experiment, I realized I have cruel, heartless fans on my FB page.  Just kidding, but boy did they give me some doozy words to weave into a post.  It’s not too late to participate! Just click here to go to the FB status and leave your one word comment!

While we are talking social media, can you give me a like or follow?? Social media fans are like the bread crumbs that keep a blogger going!

As I approach my 2 year blogging anniversary (later this month), I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who are loyal readers!  I have the best followers around (but don’t tell the other bloggers – I don’t want to make them jealous)!!!

Hopefully my site will be all “perdy” very soon when I finally pick a fancy schmancy theme and figure out how to use it (so it may be a while.  A long while…)!

 

Top 6 Worries When You Have A Child Going To College

Top 6 Worries
Thanks to Gillette for sponsoring this post!

Jimmy leaves for college in a couple of weeks (EEEEEEEEK!), and as the date gets more near, I get more fear.

The first time I see him after the semester begins will most likely be Parents’ weekend.

This is what I am afraid I will find when I arrive…

1. His idea of “doing laundry” will be spraying Febreeze on his dirty clothes.  If he does actually use a washing machine, the clothes will sit there for days, resulting in a moldy, wrinkled mess.

Jimmy Gillette

2. He will go without shaving for so long, he will be offered a recurring role on Duck Dynasty.

Jimmy Gillette beard

3. The word sunblock will not be in his vocabulary.Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn

4. He will not feed himself, causing his eyes to turn black.  You know, like the vampires in Twilight when they get hungry.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungryvampire

 

5. He will not shower for so long, a cloud of dust will follow him around like Pigpen from Peanuts.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungry dirty

Oh wait, I just thought of the worst possibility of all…

6. He will change so much, it will be like he was abducted by aliens who have taken over his body.

Jimmy Gillette beard sunburn hungry dirty alien

Fortunately, Gillette has helped eliminate worry #2! They have a blade refill subscription service that delivers Gillette’s blades directly to your door!  How cool is that?!  And it’s only about $1 a week for most guys.   Since I’m sure Jimmy will be using all his spare time for studying, taking advantage of a subscription that means one less thing to shop for is a no-brainer (See what I did there?).

Now if I could just convince the university to offer room service I would be able to take #4 off the list…

P.S. NO, I don’t actually think Jimmy is going to turn into a vampire or an alien.  That’s just crazy.  I mean, his college is in the mountains, so turning into a werewolf is much more likely.  Duh. 

P.P.S. Seriously (for once)…While it is true that I am feeling much trepidation over Jimmy leaving, I couldn’t be more proud of the responsible young man he’s turned into.  I have no doubt that he will thrive at college and will be able to feed and clothe himself just fine.  Except for the wrinkled shirt part. 

::Gillette Razor Subscription Service

Disclaimer: Compensation was provided by Gillette via MomTrends.  The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not indicative of the opinions of Gillette or MomTrends.

The Gillette Fusion ProGlide with Flexball Technology is the first razor of its kind, with a new handle that adjusts and pivots to respond to the contours of a man’s face for fewer missed hairs. Using existing Fusion ProGlide cartridges, the new handle lets the cartridge move in three dimensions for maximum contact. The result is #ShavingRebuilt for an entirely new shave experience. Men who tried the Fusion ProGlide with FlexBall Technology prefer it 2-to-1 over the standard Fusion ProGlide*.  And since it uses the same blades as the Fusion ProGlide, it’s a one-time purchase for a 2X better shave.

*Jimmy agreed.  “It’s really cool” were his exact words, I think.  Which from an 18 year old is very high praise!

***Under Construction:  Site re-design in progress.***

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Scared of the Boogie Man. It’s Snot Funny. #Giveaway

I’m not afraid of the Boogie Man jumping out from under my bed or hiding in my closet.  My fear of the Boogie Man comes from seeing him in broad daylight, in a school classroom.

I was volunteering in the kindergarten classroom when I looked across the room to see my son (who shall remain nameless) “picking a winner,” if you know what I mean.

And that was the day I realized I was the Boogie Man’s mother.

It was also the day I gained much respect for kindergarten teachers once I noticed that over half the class was digging or scratching some body part they shouldn’t be. 

Snot’snot funny.  Oops.  Missed a space there.

But you know what is fun(ny)?  Winning a $50 gift card from Walmart!  I’ve admitted time and time and time again that I’m a Walmartian (and belong on the People of Walmart website).   You can also win a Boogie Wipes prize pack, because – let’s face it – before kidS learns what it means to blow through their noses, colds usually end up causing a tarred and feathered face when using tissues.  I’m surprised no one has marketed booger glue – when that stuff dries, it’s stronger than cement and super glue combined.

Pardon me while I go hurl.

I should probably tell a joke to get the mucus mucilage memory erased from your brain.  So…How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy What Does the Kid Say??? which is a compilation of hysterical toddler speak including sneezes referred to as “Bless Yous.”

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In celebration of Great Grape Boogie Wipes being sold at Walmart, I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes to offer the Great Grape Summer Giveaway!  One winner will be drawn each week for eight weeks and will receive a $50 Walmart gift card and a Boogie Wipes prize pack.

How to Enter

From following some of our favorite bloggers on social media to instagramming a picture of your Great Grape purchase at Walmart, there are dozens of ways to enter – and a few ways to enter every single day.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Want to have more fun this summer?

Visit the Boogie Wipes blog for all sorts of summer fun ideas – including Sidewalk Chalk Recipes, Crafts and Games to Play with Pool Noodles and DIY Board Games (for when it rains).

Giveaway is live Tuesday, July 8, 2014 until midnight on Tuesday, September 2, 2014. US and Canada residents only. One winner will be chosen each week and will be notified via email. Momopolize received no compensation for sponsoring this event, and is not responsible for the delivery of the prize. Prize delivery is the sole responsibility of Boogie Wipes.

The One Percent, Parenting Edition

There are many days I feel like parenting is 99% frustration.  But just when I feel like I’m drowning in griping, bickering and all out brawls, it happens.  That brief glimpse of cooperating, supporting and all out harmony.

It’s the parenting 1%.

Just like the richest 1% holds almost half of the world’s wealth, the parenting 1% holds almost half of parental bliss!

Speaking of 99%, that is also about the same the percentage of posts I write that are complaining, busting on or poking fun at my guys.  Because let’s face it – that’s funnier.  In atonement for throwing them under the bus over and over (and over), THIS is their 1%.

I – stealthily – snapped these photos through our front door glass.  And…ummmm…ignore the fact that Greg is barefoot and in shorts while wearing a winter coat.  It was 40 degrees that day so I don’t know WHY he thought it was a good idea to go outside like that.  I mean a winter coat??  Crazy kid.

Jake went outside to play basketball but saw Greg struggling to get a successful run on the Hot Wheels track he had built.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 1

Jake searched the bin of track pieces.  The solution required thinking outside of the box.  The Matchbox.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 2

                       By (Gregory) George, I think he’s got it.  (That would have been funnier if any of you knew that Greg’s middle name is George.)

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 3

“Sometimes being a brother is better than being a superhero.” ~ Marc Brown

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 5

Car in hand, it’s time to try, try again.

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 6

Mission accomplished!  Even the smallest successes deserve the biggest high fives.  (Unfortunately the small cell camera wasn’t big enough to get the entire high five on film.)

Jake helping Greg with hotwheels 7

                  “First a brother, then a bother, now a friend.” ~ Unknown

And now we return to our regularly scheduled sarcasm.

“I smile because you’re my brother, I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!” ~ Unknown

Facebook has changed it’s policy for posts to Facebook pages, like my Momopolize page.  They are only showing posts to a small number of the page “fans” unless the page administrator (me) pays to boost the views, which this administrator (again, me) won’t be doing.  The best way to make sure you will see future blog posts is to subscribe by email (upper right corner).  Show me sisterly love!

You can also go to my Momopolize page, hover over the “liked” button and select get notifications.  Then you will see the little red number show up when I post on the page.  This will notify you of all status updates, not just blog posts.

The biggest compliment is seeing a blog post shared!  Won’t you share??

Why We Should Be Banned from Family Portraits

family portrait 2008
When I saw this 6 year old photo, I realized my teeth were much whiter then & that had to change! Smile Brilliant saved the day! I was compensated for the review below, but all opinions are completely my own.

Some families get annual family portraits professionally taken.  We don’t.  In fact, the last time we did was six years ago.  The time before that Jimmy was a baby.  And now I remember why.

I saw a Groupon offer for the portrait place at our local mall.  I should have remembered how our trips to the mall usually end up.  But in a moment of insanity, I bought the deal.

We aren’t a dress-up-all-cute-and-coordinated type family.  For photos, I’m happy if the clothes are (mostly) unwrinkled, (mostly) unstained and (mostly) clean (yeah, mostly).  Since I knew our next family portrait may be NEVER ever again in another 6 years, I pushed my luck and requested everyone to dress in similar colors.  Jimmy wasn’t home when I screamed down the hall politely said “Wear something with purple or black.”  He didn’t get the memo.  Grey/Black.  Close enough.

After much grumbling and complaining from me the kids, we arrived at the mall.  And even almost on time for our appointment!

I knew we were in trouble when I realized the photographer who was assigned for our shoot had ZERO sense of humor.  She didn’t crack a single smile the entire time.  The Groupon fine print should have included a warning, “Cheapskate Bargain seeking families will be assigned to the grumpiest photographer available.”

We did manage to get one print-worthy photo, which is near the end of this post.  But I know you don’t really care about that.  You are here for the outtakes!

This is what happens when the only photos your kids ever have to pose for are sports related.  Are you ready for some football?? Photo 1: Fail.

Family football small

My kids just weren’t getting the “instructions” she was giving on how/where to stand.  In their defense, she seemed to be trying to make it as confusing as possible.  She finally got tired of trying to get Eric to put his back toward Jake (he kept just turning his head) and just went ahead and snapped this photo.  I guess Greg got tired of waiting too.  Photo 2: Fail.

Greg monkey lips small

The next photo looks simple, right? It wasn’t.  BUT you can’t tell that Jimmy and Jake were trying to inflict pain on their brothers so…  Photo 3: Success.

Boys 1 with caption

Things went down hill quickly.  Photo 4: Fail (but perfectly depicts personalities).

Boys Goofy small size

I think by this point the photographer just wanted to shoot her “required minimum” poses and get the hell away from us. Photo 5: Fail.

Standing on Eric small

I guess the photo above gave the photographer a “bright idea.”  Why on earth she thought my kids would go for her next pose is beyond me.  But she tried.  She told Jake to lay down.  He did.  Then she told Jimmy to lay down.  And he did, next to Jake.  Then it happened.  She said, “No, lay on TOP of him.”  It was the first time all day the boys were silent.  We all realized what pose she was going for.  This…

Awkward Family Photos

The reaction was this… (They are blurry because I was shaking so hard from laughter!)  Photo 6A: Major Fail (so major that it didn’t actually happen.)

family portrait 2014 laughing 2 family portrait 2014 laughing 3

She had had ENOUGH of us and mumbled something before walking out.  Session over.

We picked our favorite pose (it was a really tough choice.  Not.) and left.  I think they locked the doors behind us.  Photo 6B: Success!

Family Photo 1 small

The best photo was good, but not fantastic so I decided to use my mad Microsoft Paint skills to combine the best shot of each person from all of the other outtakes and make it perfect.  Photo 7: NAILED IT!

Family Photo PERFECT

At least now we know what we’d look like as Bobble Heads.

Photo shoot: $16                 Memories: Classless

They have probably modified the Groupon fine print to say “Not valid for anyone affiliated with Momopolize.” 

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RECOMMENDED PRODUCT: SMILE BRILLIANT TEETH WHITENING KIT 

It was perfect timing to try a teeth whitening kit before getting the long-overdue family portrait!  I received the Smile Brilliant package very quickly.  The kit came with material – which reminded me of silly putty – for the teeth impressions.  The instructions were very simple to follow and only took a few minutes.  My only complaint is that I wanted to play with the “silly putty” longer before it hardened in the mouth piece (Kidding!  I can buy ACTUAL silly putty if I want to play).  Once I received my custom trays, I got busy whitening!   The first time I put the trays in, I thought I would have a hard time keeping them in for the recommended whitening time without gagging, but I got used to it very quickly. I should add an important bit of information here. I’ve had spots on my teeth since I was a child from a reaction to Ampicillin, I think.  Some kind of ‘cillin anyway.  After the first time I used the whitening gel, the white spots were MUCH whiter than the rest of my teeth (i.e. more noticeable than before I used the gel).  I was slightly worried BUT the instructions said the gel is safe for teeth that were discolored by a reaction to medication so I kept at it.  After the second application, the rest of my teeth started to catch up to the white spots and started looking whiter over all!  You can see for yourself in the photos below the big difference after all the daily applications.  Both photos were taken at the same time of the day at the exact same location.  It is much harder to get a good photo of your teeth (and much, much more embarrassing to post them for the world to see) than you’d think it would be.  In full disclosure: the white spots are less noticeable in the photo than in real life, since I couldn’t get a perfectly clear “selfie.”  You can’t see them at all in the second photo.  They are much less noticeable, but still there. That is what I expected though because they’ve always been there!

Jim was so impressed with my results, he is using a kit on his teeth also!

Now for the fun part:  A GIVEAWAY!  One lucky reader will win a kit just like the one I used.  To enter, subscribe to Momopolize via email (in the upper right corner of this page).  If you are already a subscriber, just add a comment below.

teeth before
BEFORE
teeth after
AFTER
 
Contest winner will be chosen on 2/28/14.

Top 20 Dumbest Injuries, Part 1: The Wonder Years

You know those people you see in a cast and when asked what happened they tell this fascinating story of how they were competing in a triathalon or jumping from an airplane or saving a kitten from a tree?

I’m not one of them.Injury ecard

Whenever I get injured, it is always some ridiculous story that is too humiliating to share.  Except here, of course.  Nothing is too foolish or embarrassing to blog about.

I’ve never had stitches (except during surgery) or a cast (My breaks have been in spots that are uncastable.  <—That should be a real word.).  So I never considered myself “accident prone” until I started listing this series of misfortunate events.  These are just the ones that came to mind quickly.  I think I should start wearing bubble wrap.

1.  My Little Pony (age 9) – I got a concussion from being thrown off a horse.  And by thrown I mean slid off because I was riding without a saddle.  And by horse I mean itty bitty pony.  My head managed to find the sole rock in that field.

2.  A Real Cliffhanger (age 10) – I was hiking on a mountain with my girl scout troop, carrying a heavy backpack.  I’m not sure why we had backpacks.  Probably to earn a patch of some sort.  We were walking along the edge of a cliff and a sudden gust of wind knocked me over (Or I was just clumsy and slipped.  Same thing, right?).  I wouldn’t have plunged to my death or anything but it would have been a painful, bumpy slide down a very steep rocky hill.  Plus there was a major highway at the bottom of the cliff.  As I hung on to a boulder, I just started laughing hysterically (I’ve told you before I joke at inappropriate times.).   The leader grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Everyone just stood there staring at me like I was a freak for cracking up at the thought of the rocks cracking me up. (And lest you think this is one of those childhood memories that gets exaggerated in the mind, I still drive by that cliff.  Laughter was definitely NOT the proper response.)

3.  Ice Ice Baby (age 14) – A friend and I routinely took a shortcut after gym class.  Instead of maneuvering through the crowded hallway to our next class, we took the gym’s outside exit which included a large flight of concrete stairs.  One day we stepped outside onto a sheet of ice.  My friend slipped and bounced to the bottom of the stairs.  I slipped but didn’t bounce.  Unfortunately, my elbow stopped me.  I couldn’t get myself off the stairs – not because of the pain – but because I was laughing so hard (Shocker.).  By the time I got myself up and to the school office, my pants were completely soaked (from the ice, my bladder control was fine.  Then.), I was in excruciating pain, AND I was in trouble for leaving the school building (Oh, did I forget to mention that taking our “shortcut” was against the rules?  I guess they thought someone may get hurt or something.  Psshaw.).

4. On The Fence (age 14) – While riding my bike on a gravel road, I did a perfect flip over the handlebars, landed (on my back) on a fence, flipped again and landed (on my butt) on the ground. Cirque Du Soleil would have been impressed.  I’m sure this was my coolest looking mishap ever, but I had no witnesses and not a single scrape or bruise to prove it.  I didn’t even break the fence.

5. Dope on the Slope Part I (age 16) – I went on a youth group ski trip.  I suck at skiing and struggled on the bunny slope all day.  When it was almost time for the bus to leave, a friend convinced me to try the medium slope before left.  “I can’t handle skiing next to the 3 year olds on the almost flat snow and you want me to go on the big hills?  Sure!!”  (I suffered from ITSInvincible Teenager Syndrome).  To make matters worse, we got on the wrong lift and ended up on the advanced slope.  With the reeaaallllyyyyy big hills.  I wiped out getting off the lift and my “friend” left me in the dust snow.  I crawled around to gather my skis and realized I had no idea how to get them back on.  The lift operator finally took pity on me (and stopped the lift!) and came to help.  I then had no choice but to ski down the enormous hill, alone.  I was doing ok until my skiis fell off again and I realized I STILL didn’t know how to get them back on.  I had visions of being left behind by the bus and found days later by a St. Bernard with a mini barrel of water around his neck.  I actually attempted to WALK down the hill.  Slippery snow, slippery boots and remaining upright?  Impossible.  As a last resort, I sat on my skis and slid the rest of the way down the hill on my butt.  I got a lot of strange looks, but that was the most fun I had all day.  It wasn’t until I was safely riding home on the bus that I realized my wrist was swollen.  I’m not sure which of the (many) falls caused the injury.

6.  The Frat Splat (age 17) – My very first weekend at college my Freshman year, I tore ligaments in my foot at a fraternity party.  There was…ummm…soda…spilled on the floor and I slipped while rocking out to Mony Mony.  (Well, I don’t know what song was playing but Mony Mony played at every single frat party ever so it’s a safe bet.)  My suite mates – whom I had known for all of about 4 hours – started helping me hobble back to my dorm until the kind campus police stopped to see what all the hopping was about.  They gave my roommate and me a ride (to the dorm, not the station).  My roommate kept whispering emphatically for me to hold my breath.  I must have had the hiccups or something (It was definitely not because I had too much soda.).  The next day my roommate went with me to the ER and kept running my foot into walls and door frames while pushing my wheelchair.  I think it was subconscious payback.  Surprisingly she didn’t request a room assignment change.

7.  Study Break or Study Broke? (Age 20) – I was lying on the floor studying for a college final when something popped in my lower back.  I spent the next 6 months recovering from a slipped disc.  From studying.  Those text books need a warning label.

8. Dope on the Slope Part II (age 23) – When Jim and I were dating, we went skiing.  Jim used to be a ski instructor so thought he could teach me.  He underestimated my suckiness.  While trying desperately to snow plow, I ended up completely off the course.  I landed – doing the splits – in the muddy woods.  Muddy because they don’t bother to put fake snow that far over since they assume no idiots will go there.  (You know what happens when you assume?  Well, unfortunately this assumption only made an ass out of ME.)  It took me so long to try to get unstuck from the mud (and unstuck from the splits) that the rescue sled came because they assumed I was injured.  Luckily the only thing hurt was my pride.  And Jim’s eardrums.

Sadly my misadventures are too long for one post.

Tune in next time for Dumbest Injuries, Part 2:  The Mrs. Years.

“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others” [Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary]

I bring you much good fortune.

injury while yawning

 

Not the Brightest Bulb in the Chandelier

Ray
The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

Our orange cat, Rayo, is sweet.  And handsome.

And dim.

The following scenario has happened THREE times…

Greg’s black stuffed animal dog ends up on the floor.  Ray sees it motionless.  He circles the dog, moaning the most horrible mourning meow you’ve ever heard.  Then he lays next to the dog, continuing to howl until someone picks it up.

Why, you ask?

Because he thinks it is our black cat, Mushu.  And he thinks he is dead.

Ray and the stuffed dog

That’s right, he can’t tell the difference between a stuffed dog and a real cat (who he has lived with for 3 years).

We named him Rayo for “rayo de sol” which means ray of sunshine in Spanish.

Unfortunately, it is always a bit cloudy in his world.

On second thought, maybe I can understand the confusion…

mushu on back

We do love our “Cloudy with a Chance of Rayo” cat.

Guesterday’s News: Toddlers and Teens – 7 Surprising Ways They Are The Same (Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms)

I was fortunate enough to (virtually) meet Ellen and Erin a few months ago.  Love these ladies but I must give them a suggestion.  Change the blog name to Sisterhood of the Sensational Moms!  😉 You’ll see why I suggest that after reading this sensational post.

This post is perfect for anyone with teens in the house…or for anyone who wants a WARNING about what it’s like to have teens in the house.

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Ellen Williams and Erin Dymowski are the two friends and writers who share the blog, The Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. Their great friends inspired them to create this place of support, sensibility, and fun for moms online. They each have their own sensible husbands who, along with Ellen’s two kids and Erin’s five kids, provide plenty of rollicking blog fodder. They also share recipes, book reviews, and a healthy dose of humor and wit on their cozy corner of the internet. They enjoy shuttling their kids to sports, tinkering with their Nikons, and mining their daily lives for the funny.  Ellen and Erin can be found on Facebook and Twitter, as well as many other places (links at the bottom of the post.).
This post was originally published here.
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TODDLERS AND TEENS – 7 SURPRISING WAYS THEY ARE THE SAME

Toddler and teen both begin with “T”, but that’s not where the similarities end…

Ellen: I don’t know about you but when I first started thinking about having children, I was really thinking about having babies.  Cute, cherubic, immobile babies. My vision didn’t really see past burp cloths, bibs, and binkies.

Erin: Oh, really now. Do tell. I have FIVE kids and they are knocking into the teen years like dominoes falling over a ledge. How did I really not see this coming? Where were all of my sensible friends with their little crystal balls to show me my future?

Ellen: I think I just explained that we didn’t know any better either, but you would have thought by number five you would have had some inkling.  If you really think about it . . .

Erin: And squint your eyes?

Ellen: The teen years are not so very different from the toddler years.

Toddlers and Teens 7 Surprising Ways They Are The Same

1. Olfactory Offense

Toddler – The aroma of dirty diapers and unflushed toilets wafts through the air like a radioactive cloud.

Teen – The stench of teen spirit – rank sneakers, bubbling B.O., and body spray—permeates every pore of your upholstery.

2. A Day Out Requires A Sherpa

Toddler – Going out requires packing a stroller, snack, juice box, spare sippy cup, change of clothes, diaper bag, lovey, coloring book, sunscreen, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the patience.

Teen – A day out means a SUV packed with homework dioramas, homeroom donations, gear for multiple sports, musical instruments, a bajillion water bottles and enough extra food to feed the Prussian army. And you might want to remember your patience – Level: Ghandi.

 3. Up All Night

Toddler – “Read me one more story.” “Can I have a glass of water?” “The tag on my pajamas is itching.” “There is a monster under my bed.” “I peed my bed.” “Can I sleep with you?”

Teen – “Can you drive me and my friends to this party and pick us up at midnight (so that you can’t have that glass of wine, can’t put on your PJs, can’t go to bed, and can’t stop your mind from swirling about all of the things that can go on at parties).

 4. On The Weekend, The Early Bird Gets . . . Exhausted

Toddler – In your room at the crack of dawn to snuggle, pee on you, demand breakfast, dribble water, and commandeer the remote for Dora. You move through your long morning like a zombie in jammies.

Teen – You’re in their room at the crack of dawn to pry their butts out of bed with a crow bar to drive halfway across the state for their 12 hour soccer tournament. Wearing jammies is a red card worthy citation. You move through your day like a zombie in yoga pants.

5. Mount Laundry

Toddler – A miniature wardrobe of outfits succumb to jelly spilling, finger painting, toilet dipping, mud splashing, and potty training each and every day. The hamper piles up.

Teen– Burns through a gazillion outfits per day due to gym class, club meetings, band concerts, sports practices, and fickleness. Leaves a trail of clothes starting from their closets, leading to their school lockers, circling back to your minivan, and ending on the bathroom floor.

6. Speaking Of Underwear

Toddler – Potty training means plenty of stain stick and many o’ pair sacrificed to the garbage can.

Teen – Keep that stain stick handy, but add bleach to the list . . . to flush your eyes out after the horrors you will see.

7. Safetyville

Toddler – Cover all the outlets! Pad all the sharp edges! Gate all the stairs!

Teen – Invent a way to bubble wrap the world.

– Ellen and Erin

When Pampering Meets Horror Movie

I declared an “official” sick day for myself, and made a big deal about needing to rest ALL day so I wouldn’t be too sick to enjoy our upcoming vacation.

Since I was going to be in bed all day anyway, I decided to multitask (because Mom’s can’t JUST lay in bed, right?) and take on a little battle of the wrinkles.

Rather than do something intelligent like an actual facial mask, I grabbed my Oil Of Olay cream off my nightstand and slathered a really thick layer all over my face.

(Theory being that if a little reduces wrinkles, a LOT would make my face as smooth as a baby’s butt.  Made sense at the time…)

Apparently it was thick enough under my eyes that every time I would blink, a miniscule bit would attach to my bottom eyelashes.  Each blink added a bit more until it was enough to attach itself to my upper lashes and work it’s way down into my eyes.

There was instant burning and tears streaming down my face, mixing with yesterday’s leftover mascara.

Cue Greg’s entry into my room.

He wanted to make sure I was feeling ok.  (All together now…Awwwwwww, how sweet!)

He took one look at me groaning about the stinging while black tears ran across my ghostly white face and yelled “MOM!  What’s wrong with you????  Are you ok??????????”

All I could do is laugh, while he looked on in horror.

I thought I just looked like this…

Photo: e-infopages
Photo: e-infopages

But judging from his reaction, I must have looked more like this…

Zombie photo

Move over Jill Smokler.  There’s a NEW Scary Mommy in town.

P.S. My crow’s feet are just crow’s toes now.

P.P.S.  At least the day of rest made me FEEL like less of a zombie.

P.P.P.S.  Want to make yourself into a Zombie?  There’s an app for that.  (Just ask any teenager how.)

P.P.P.P.S A decision I made that was much more logical than putting an inch of lotion on my face was asking my fantastic blogger friends to participate in “Guest Post Week.”  They responded in droves to help me out!  I’m so excited to be introducing you to posts written by some of these lovely ladies during the next week.