When Jimmy was little, I was the over-the-top kind of Mom. I wanted to do it all. Be it all. Have it all.
For Jimmy’s first turn being “snack person” in preschool I made an entire solar system out of ball shaped cupcakes for crying out loud (I will post a photo when I find it.). If there was a volunteer need at school, my hand was the first one up. Birthday party themes were meticulously planned from the plates to the games down to the piece of junk toy in the goody bag. I wouldn’t think of having a meal without a vegetable. (And if we went somewhere where there weren’t veggies, you could be sure I’d shove a carrot in Jimmy’s mouth when we got home). We had TV “coupons” that had to be earned for any screen time. I bought cute mix and match outfits from Little Me. And so on.
The problem was, I set the bar so high there was no way I could sustain that level. I stood on my tippy toes for as long as I could, trying to keep it up there. But I quickly realized I was in over my head.
The bar slowly slipped down, down, down.
Now the bar is just laying on the floor. I didn’t drop the ball, I dropped the bar. Now I’m completely a slacker Mom.
I feel bad that Greg never got to see the Mom who pole vaulted that bar. Without a pole.
He gets the Mom that was secretly relieved when the school stopped allowing class snacks to be brought in. The Mom that isn’t in his classroom frequently enough to know his classmates’ names. He didn’t even have a party for his past two birthdays. When the doctor asked at one of his check-ups how often he eats vegetables, he answered “Hmmm. I don’t know. Maybe once a week.” (It’s really not THAT bad. He got quite a glare.) Video games are his babysitter some days. He wears wrinkled/stained/torn hand me downs because I haven’t shopped. (Sometimes they even fit.)
I don’t really WANT to go back to how I was when Jimmy was little. I’ve realized that I wasted many, many hours then obsessing over things that didn’t really matter in the long run (like a solar system that was eaten in 30 seconds.). The earth didn’t stop spinning when I stopped doing those things (See what I did there? And come to think of it, I’m surprised I didn’t make the planet cupcakes rotate around the sun cupcake…).
BUT I also don’t want to be the bare minimum Mom anymore. I want to do the things that make me a good Mom. Not the best Mom. Not the worst Mom.
I need to figure out a way to pick that bar up off the ground.
I may not be able to jump over it anymore. But maybe I can limbo under it.
Now THAT is the kind of Mom I want to be.
The easy-breezy-don’t-worry-be-happy-life’s-a-party Limbo Mom.
The Limbo Mom: Where lowering the bar is a good thing.
(Not too low though. My back will go out.)
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After I wrote this, I read “I used to be that Mom” on Our Small Moments. It is a beautifully written piece that you should go read also. And Courtney is going through a very rough time right now so she could definitely use some easy breezy vibes sent her way!
I agree – I think in this case Limbo is a good place to be. I have never been crafty, but my “overachieving” comes in the form of trying to do everything. If they need a volunteer, they ask me. I am learning that it’s o.k. to say no.
What a perfect visual! I used to TRY to be over the top with my first one (but I was beat out by another over the top mom in the 2yo classroom – thankfully!!) And then the twins came along and that bar got dropped so fast it hit my little toe and I winced in pain a little.
Now I am SO happy to be a limbo mom instead of a slacker or over the top – because I am able to give myself a break when I’m sick and be the slacker mom. Yeah, that’s the kind of “sick day” I get now- just slacking a little. my days of laying in bed and recovering are long gone.
Don’t feel bad, mom. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the bar on the floor sometimes. Just slide it under the bed so no one trips over it.
That reminds me of something in Parenthood… not the TV show (which I love, BTW) but the old movie. The mom said something along the lines of, “When you have your first child you do everything by the book… you dress them perfectly, feed them perfectly, etc. By your third child, you practically let them juggle knives!” I doubt you’re anywhere near the category of “worst mom.”
I can so relate even though I am not a mom… I have tried for so many years to do it all and do it all perfectly. Now I hit overload… And have to learn how to slack..
I think once you start up again, you’ll find it’s not so hard to do some of the things to your old levels, but there’s no need for all of it. I was surprised by how into picking out clothes my son was this past weekend – who knew he had such opinions? I’d just been buying without his input before this. And believe it or not…it was actually fun. 😉
I like the concept of raising the bar just a bit. I’ve never been an over-achieving mom, but I’m not a slacker either. Maybe start with just one of the things you listed here? I took my son shopping for school clothes this weekend, and was surprised at all of his opinions. He wanted to see if he could play ping-pong in his new jeans, which he pantomimed in the dressing room…even though he’s never played ping-pong before, to the best of my knowledge. Had I just picked stuff for him online like I usually do, I’d have missed the opportunity to think of ping-pong pants. Who’d want to miss out on that? 🙂
I get EXACTLY what you are saying here. With every fiber of my being. Did it ALL for the first child and so far next to nothing for the second. There has to be a happy medium, right?-Ashley
What a great analogy. And a good, do-able goal. I pictured you limbo-ing on a ceramic tile kitchen floor. Why not on a carpet? Not sure.
Great post!
Great post!! I was an over-the-top mom with my first too, and also fell victim to ‘competitive birthday party throwing’. It lasted 7 years. Now I have 3 daughters, and I’m lucky if they all have clothes on when we leave the house…much less shoes and hair that has been brushed 🙂
I’m with you. My oldest son had 7 photo albums from his first year. 7!! My middle child had 3. My last had half of one. However, I never did the class mom thing with the first one…did it a couple times with #2. With #3, somehow I ended up being class mom every year through elementary school. I think I only volunteered for the job once. Probably there were a bunch of parents of third kids in his classes who were over the top with the first kid. Haha. And I was always lousy at birthday parties!
I managed to be a great a mom all through the first four kids. The little two, though, are leading a very different life than the older ones did. Can’t tell you the last time I did a craft out of Family Fun with them. The 5 year old has never had a party. On and on and on. But guess what? They are great kids, getting plenty of love and enjoying life.
Being uncomfortable with your level of mothering is a good indication that you could make some changes. I’ve been there, for sure. Doesn’t mean we have to go crazy, back to making solar system cupcakes. (NO ONE should ever make solar system cupcakes.)
This post made me cringe a little 🙂 I’m having flashbacks of a time when a friend wanted to give my toddler a little taste ice cream and I said “no”, like it was going to kill him! Ugggg! Thankfully, by the time the 2nd boy came around, I was over all of that nonsense. Poor kid. No wonder he’s addicted to sugar;)
Oh, and thanks for following me on Twitter!
Great post, it’s very important to find that the “in-between”. No one wants to be that “stage mom” extreme, or the nobody mom who couldn’t care less if her kids were playing in the street. Thanks so much for linking up with the tattler Thursday blog hop.
love this. i have such high ambitions… i’ll never obtain all i desire. and i am disappointed when i fall short – which is 98% of the time. sometimes it’s just really nice to know i am not the only one struggling with being the “right” kind of mom. thanks for the post!