Nicole Dash is a writer, blogger and child care business owner who lives in Annandale, VA with her husband and four children. Nicole writes about family, life, parenting and caring for children on her heartfelt blog Tiny Steps Mommy. She also enjoys connecting with her growing community of friends on Facebook and Twitter.
In addition to Nicole guest blogging for me today, I’m also very excited to announce that she is co-organizing the Femworking Blogger Conference at the Hyatt Regency Crystal City in Arlington, VA on October 26, 2013!
The conference includes educational seminars, meals, snacks, an incredible swag bag, stunning, professional free headshots, and amazing opportunities to network with bloggers. Jill Smokler from Scary Mommy is the keynote speaker (see the entire list of speakers here). You also receive a signed copy of Jill’s newest book, “Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies)” as part of your registration. All of this PLUS tickets are discounted until September 5! What are you waiting for??
And there’s more! ALL of my readers are invited to a Reader Appreciation Cocktail Party at the spectacular Rooftop Chesapeake Lounge at the Hyatt from 7-10pm on October 26. There will be plenty of cocktails (cash bar), hors d’oeuvres and a few surprises. You don’t have to attend the conference to go to the cocktail party. Entry to the party is FREE but you DO have to register here because space is limited. Jill Smokler will also be attending.
And now Nicole’s wonderful post!
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I don’t Want to Screw-Up My Daughter’s Self-Image
“Mommy, will I look like you when I grow up?” my five-year-old daughter asks.
I pause internalizing the question. Does she want to look like me? Is she afraid she’ll look like me? Do I want her to look like me? Am I about to scar her for life with my answer? Did the professional photos I just had taken for my blog/writing impact her? Did I send her the wrong message?
“You will look like yourself baby. You may have some of my features, just like I have some features that look like Nana, but everyone is unique. Everyone is special,” I answer with my best I hope I don’t screw this up voice.
I get so nervous answering questions regarding looks, weight, or beauty with my daughter. I want her to feel beautiful whatever her age and regardless of her physical attributes. I want her to be her own person and not measure herself against the images she sees on television or in magazines. I want her to be confident in who she is and what she believes – not just how she looks or doesn’t look.
I also don’t want to emphasize looks over more important things like intelligence, compassion, humor, independence etc. But, I am keenly aware of the pressure placed on women to look a certain way or weigh a certain amount or fit into a certain size. I struggle every day not to compare myself to others or judge myself harshly. I am my own worst critic. This is not what I want for any of my children, but especially not for my daughters. They deserve better.
As I answer my daughter, I think about the blog post – I’ve Started Telling My Kids I’m Beautiful by Off Beat Mama. The writer says we need to make our children believe that we are beautiful no matter how we look, especially as we age and carry the scars of life. We need to say it out loud and have our children understand that even imperfections are beautiful.
But, as a friend of mine on Facebook said so eloquently in response to this post, “We have to learn to see ourselves the same way first [as beautiful]. But, saying it, whether we mean it or not (yet) will make a huge impact on our kids and ourselves.”
I completely agree. So, I decide to face this issue head-on. I mentally prepare my speech about how beauty comes in all forms and how we need to love ourselves no matter what. I think about pulling up my new professionally done photo and a photo I don’t like of myself (almost all of them) and show her how beautiful I am in both, even if they are vastly different. I swallow my fears and begin by asking my daughter, “Why do you ask? Do you want to look like me?”
I brace for her response, but she shrugs and says, “Nah, I want to look like myself. Can we read a story now?”
I sigh, pick up her book and start to read about the girl that turns pink after eating pink cupcakes for the millionth time. I am grateful not to have that conversation, yet feel robbed at the same time. Didn’t she know we were about to share a landmark moment in our relationship. Didn’t she realize how much I suffered in those few moments just trying not to screw her up for the rest of her life. Oh well, I suppose there is always next time. Or maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to say anything at all because she is only five and these issues are my issues not hers.
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Visit Nicole to read more of her posts and thank her for all her hard work on the conference!
Well fielded. That moment will come, you’ll get your landmark, and having put so much thought into it, I reckon it’ll go well.
Keep drip-feeding the positivity into her. Sounds like she already knows her own mind 🙂
I’m trying to teach my daughter and my son to list a few things they are thankful for every day. It doesn’t have to be appearance related, but I think that the positive thinking practice ends up applying to so many aspects of life! Great post — and yeah, Femworking! 🙂
I’m trying to teach my son and my daughter to think of a few things they are grateful for every night before bed – and hoping that the positive thinking will translate into many aspects of life. Great post! 🙂
-Cheryl at littlethingsbigdifference.com
I have three daughters – ages 6, 8, & 11 – and I have struggled with this issue my self many times. There is a fine line between stressing the importance of appearance (i.e. dressing appropriately, taking time to comb your hair, etc.) and making it seem that looks are overly important. Hopefully, as you said they will learn that beauty is not just about looks!
Great post! I always wonder where the line is between making sure my kids know that they are beautiful and perfect just as they are, and putting too much emphasis on looks, etc. It’s so hard. I honestly think this applies just as much to our boys as to our girls. My son told me the other night that he thought he was “ugly”. Middle school and the early teen years are just a hard road for everyone. –Lisa
I too love this post! I remember so clearly telling my mom she was beautiful so many times and she would tell me she was not but had a good personality. I always thought I must be nuts because I really thought she was pretty! I do my best not to do this with my kids, two boys and a girl. I also agree, boys really go through this too. Much more than I would have ever thought. I love your daughters comment too, nothing like kids to constantly keep us on our toes!!! Angela, thanks for sharing Nicole with us!