Category Archives: Parenting

Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting, pets

Bloggessesque

2 Comments

Me: OMG!   The Bloggess just followed me on Twitter!  Not a fan page thingy.  THE Bloggess.

Jimmy: Really?? (We had a conversation about her earlier so he was genuinely slightly impressed.)

Me:  Yes, thanks to your photos with Bob.  I will pay you royalties.

Jimmy:  And out of spite, I will spend it ALL on earrings.

…Yes, there is still tension in this house.  But royalties on zero dollars is zero dollars so at least I don’t have to worry about any new earrings.

And I TOLD YOU I’m related to the Bloggess now.  So HA!

________________________________________

UPDATE: Conversation after Greg and Eric heard me say the Bloggess followed me…

Greg:  So you are finally famous now?

Me:  Yes, I’m finally famous after 2 whole months of blogging.  You want my autograph?

Greg: No.

Eric:  I want your autograph.

Me:  You do?

Eric:  Yes, I need lunch money.  So can you put your autograph on a check?

It’s tough being famous…

(Insert much sarcasm here.  I don’t actually think my 12 followers constitutes being famous.  Ok, a few more than 12. But not famous.  Far from famous. Infamous maybe.).

Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting, Pet adoption, pets, Uncategorized

Hunter S. Thomcat meet Bob B. McKitty

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Guess what?  You know Hunter S. Thomcat, I’m sure.  He’s famous for being Jenny Lawson’s kitten.  She talks about him often on The Bloggess.  Well, I think we are fostering his long lost twin brother.  Bob B. McKitty.  I noticed a striking resemblance right away, but after reading her recent blog post I am convinced they are related.  You see, Hunter S. Thomcat is trying to kill The Bloggess.  She calls him “the silent killer, like carbon monoxide.”  You must read about it here (she even has video proof):  http://thebloggess.com/2012/10/hes-the-silent-killer-like-carbon-monoxide/#comments.

And, as you can see from the photos below…Bob is just as evil.  He is the not so silent killer, like a fart.  He has it in for Jimmy.  I really worry about Jimmy’s safety.

The two kittens MUST be related!!  They have to be!  So I’m totally related to the Bloggess now.  What?  Yes, I am.  Huh? Yes, it DOES in fact work that way.

Bob’s modus operandi…

Bob perches and waits for Jimmy to let his guard down.

Then he gives his best innocent look.

Then he goes in for the kill.

Hey, he’s trying to pull out the new piercing.  Attack away Bob.  Attack away.

I hope whoever adopts Bob is prepared for his “viciousness.”

And yes, I AM related to the Bloggess now.  So shut-up about it.

Inspiration, Life, Parent, Parenting, Uncategorized

Life Is Like A Box Of Brown Stuff

16 Comments

Sorry Forrest, but you are wrong.  Like is NOT like a box of chocolates.

If it was like a box of chocolates, the worst that could happen is…well…getting chocolate.  Even your least favorite piece has some sweetness.

Even if you see what you are sure is a speck of Vanilla Buttercream  peeking through the chocolate coating but, after you pop it into your mouth, realize the white you saw is actually coconut.  Disappointing, yes.  But it is just coconut.  It is still not more than you can chew.  You may not enjoy it, but one big gulp and the worst is over.

Life is much harder than that.  Life is sometimes not sweet at all.  It can be downright sour.

Life has days that are too awful to swallow.  Days when the piece of brown in the box is not chocolate at all.  Days when you have been handed a shit day.

I’ve had a shit day.

All 4 kids are in trouble.  Usually it seems to work out that 1 or 2 kids cause me stress at once, and the others kind of give me a break.  Not this time.  Three are grounded, one perhaps until he’s 18.  And the 4th came home last night with his ears pierced.  Without permission.  Not professionally done, I might add.  He was told he can’t wear them in the house so he sat on the porch in protest.  He wasn’t “in the house.”  Damn technicality.  So 3 can’t leave the house and one can’t enter.  I won’t go into further detail but just suffice it to say the earring isn’t the worst thing that happened.  And Jim’s “help” with the situation is causing more stress than a 5th child.  Shit.  Day.

And Mr. Gump says life is like a box of chocolates because “you never know what you’re gonna’ get.”  But you CAN know what you are going to get!  You can totally cheat.  You can smush your grubby little finger right into the piece of chocolate.  Don’t like what you see?  Put it back!  (For future reference, you can even hide all evidence of the “peek” if you make sure you only smush the bottom and careful push the chocolate back into place. Not that I’ve ever done that…)

In life, smushes don’t help.  No matter what you see, you are stuck with it.  No give backs.  You will just have a shit day, plus shit on your hands.

Now, some boxes of chocolate even come with a “map” on the lid showing you what kind of chocolate is in each location.  Wouldn’t that be great in life?

“I need an easy day today…chocolate buttercream day, third from the left on the bottom row.  Perfect.” 

“I can handle some bumps in the road today…Almond Cluster day, top row in the middle.” 

“I could use a little pampering…where’s that chocolate truffle day?”

You know what sucks about the “map” though?  I usually end up with it upside down in relation to the box and end up getting Orange Cream instead of what I thought I chose.  Yeah, that does pretty much sum up my life sometimes too.  Orange Cream.  Who LIKES Orange Cream anyway???

In life, not only is there no map, you don’t even know what variety your box contains.  With a box of chocolates, you at least know your favorite kind IS in the box somewhere.  Usually at least two of them.  At some point, you WILL get to pick your favorite before your box is empty.  You know you have that to look forward to.  The best is coming.

In life, there may be none of your favorites at all.  You may have a box of nothing but Molasses Chew – tough and not very enjoyable.  Or you may have all Vanilla Buttercream – good, but boring after a while.  I would love to have a box full of Vermont Cream (best piece of Russell Stover ever).  But in reality, I just hope for at least a Caramel and a Maple Nut every once in a while.  And very little shit.  Please.  Not too much shit.

I think I will go buy a box of Russell Stover now.  While I don’t agree that life is like a box of chocolates, I do know that a box of chocolates makes me like life a little more.  Especially on the days when I feel like I really stepped in it.

Or stuck my finger in it.

Humor, Joke, Parenting, Uncategorized

The Tarnished Golden Rule

After a football game loss, a member of the opposing team upset Eric by giving him a hard time at school…

Eric:  I can’t wait to play them again.  I hope we win this time so I can go to school and tease THEM about losing.

Me:  Remember, do onto others…

Eric:  I know.  The ‘others’ were mean ‘unto’ me, so I will be mean ‘unto’ them.

Me:  No…it means you treat them the way you WANT them to treat you, not the way they DID treat you.

Eric:  I like my version better. 

Happiness, Life, Parent, Parenting, Uncategorized

In a Minute

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“In a minute.”  How many times have I said that to my kids when they ask me to do something with them?  Way too many.

Last night, a minute was the difference between a scary situation and a disastrous situation for Jim and Greg.

As they waited at a stop light, they suddenly had front row seats to a high-speed car chase.   A car seemingly came out of nowhere, hightailing it into the intersection.  As the driver attempted to turn at the high rate of speed, the car slid sideways, jumped the curb, started to roll, and ultimately slammed into an embankment.

Almost immediately, a police car followed in hot pursuit.  The officer stopped and jumped out with his gun drawn.  Jim could hear him yell, “Get down on the ground!”  The driver put his hands up and flung himself out of the car, landing face down.  The officer stood as still as a statue – gun still aimed – waiting for backup.  (If you look closely at the photo, you can see both the gun and the guy sprawled on the ground.)

In a minute, the light would have turned green and Jim and Greg could have been in the middle of that intersection.  In a minute, they might have been more than witnesses.  In a minute, things may have turned tragic.

Greg got in trouble this week and I was lecturing him about it again last night.  One of the last things I said before we parted was, “I’m so disappointed in you.”  I meant I’m disappointed in that specific behavior.  But I said “in you.”  I shudder to think how those words would have haunted me if, in a minute, something terrible had happened.  How I would have re-played in my mind every single time I responded “in a minute” to a request.

“Mom, will you play Battleship with me?”  “In a minute.”

“Mom, will you make cookies with me?”  “In a minute.”

“Mom, may we go to the mall?”  “In a minute.”

Jim said when it happened, Greg just kept saying over and over “That was unexpecting.  It was really unexpecting.”  Then later he added, “We’ve had some unusual Daddy/Greg time before, but that was the most unusual-est!”  When I asked him if he was scared, he replied “No!  It was awesome!”

I love that he is still unjaded and innocent enough that he doesn’t comprehend what could have happened in that minute.  That he doesn’t realize that life can change in a minute.

To rephrase a common quote, live each second to its fullest; you never know what the next minute may bring.

Greg, you are so right.  Life is unexpecting.  It is really unexpecting.

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God.” ~Ronald Reagan

Antique, Humor, Parenting

Distressed and De-stressed

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After explaining to Greg why I had been pounding our coffee table with a hammer to distress it and had put an antique finish on our kitchen cabinets, he replied,

“So you are TRYING to make them look old?  And beat up?  We usually get in trouble for that!!!”

There are many reasons people find antiques and faux antiques alluring.  Maybe they like the uniqueness.  Or they like the history of the piece.  Or it is appealing aesthetically.

For me it’s simple.  My kids trash everything.  So why not have items that look “old” and “beat up” on purpose.   The dings, dents, marks, chips and stains that I tried unsuccessfully to avoid suddenly “add character.”

Antique to me means one less thing to cause anxiety.  One less thing to cause anger.  One less thing to cause stress.

Distressed makes me de-stressed.

P.S. I highly recommend beating something with a hammer.  It is therapeutic.  Just make sure it is something, not someone.

 

DPChallenge, Happiness, Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized

Bombeckoned, Beyond Wit’s End (DP Challenge: Stylish Imitation)

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Erma Bombeck is remembered as more than just a brilliant writer.  She paved the way for wives and mothers to openly admit the difficulties encountered in every day life.  She broke away from the status quo and embraced imperfection.   She is legendary for her ability to tell the stories of her life with incredible humor and unwavering honesty.   The following story is my tribute to Erma.  While Erma’s gift to “tell it like it is” is exceedingly difficult to replicate, she will always have a huge influence on my writing.

BROTHER BRAWLS

I don’t understand why siblings seem to make it their goal in life to be cruel to each other.  Sometimes I think they do it just to get a reaction out of me.  And they usually do.  The meanness will make my blood boil faster than a pot of water.

One day, Eric and Jake were having an argument that escalated to the point that I felt I needed to step in and ask “What happened??”  Both started spewing out responses at the same time.  “He started it.” “I didn’t do it.”  “It’s his fault.”  “It’s not my fault.”  I interupted, “Woah, wait a minute.  From the beginning!”  Eric responded, “Well, it all started when I was born and…”  Maybe you are on to something Eric.

Jake enjoys looking at videos on Youtube.  I saw his most recent search on the computer.  “How to annoy people.”  I don’t think any instruction is needed for that topic.

Jake got in trouble for calling Eric a nerd for reading the newspaper.  When I reprimanded him about it, he concocted the answer “That was a compliment.  It means Not…Ever…Really…Dumb.”  Good save.

Jimmy and Jake were having a pretend fight as we were leaving a football game.  Jake rolled on the ground while Jimmy “kicked” him.  An elderly lady came up and yelled for them to stop fighting.  Jimmy tried to inform her that it was ok because they were brothers but Jake interjected, “No we aren’t.  I don’t know him.  He’s bullying me!”  Jimmy couldn’t convince her otherwise and they both ran to the car while she yelled after them.  Jimmy and Jake still quote her sometimes.  “Don’t make me have to go get my badge!”  To this day we can’t figure out what kind of badge she would have had.

The game “punch buggy” involves punching someone in the arm every time you see a VW Bug.  During an intense “punch” game, Greg was getting frustrated because he was in the back row of our Suburban and couldn’t reach anyone.  I saw him kicking and was ready to scold him when he yelled “Kick buggy, no kick back!”  All I could do was laugh.  The game eventually got out of control and the punching was banished because of too many injuries and complaints.  A few minutes later Greg exclaimed, “Say buggy, no say backs!”

Eric came to inform me that Greg called him “dumb.”  Greg ran in and defensively responded, “I did NOT.  I called you dork.”  Yes, that is much better.

Just when I was about to lose all hope of them ever getting along, the following conversation happened on the way to the first day of school for Greg.  Eric asked if Greg knew where to go and Greg said he couldn’t remember.  Eric put his hand on Greg’s shoulder and reassured him, “Don’t worry.  I will show you the way.”

With moments like that, maybe brotherly brawls and parental peace actually can coexist.  Hopefully they will show me the way when I forget.

Humor, Joke, Parent, Parenting

A Real Pain in the Coccyx

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It isn’t often that a broken bone is funny.  Unless, of course, the bone has a funny name.  And the patient is a 13-year-old boy.

Jake literally got knocked on his butt last night during his football game and was still in a lot of pain this morning, so off to the urgent care center we went.  Had to stop myself when asked the reason for the visit.  “Jake is a pain in the…uh…I mean Jake HAS a pain in the butt.”

Jake’s reaction to showing the female nurse “where it hurt” was enough to get me in a giggly mood.  The blushing cheeks and the one word please-let-this-be-over answers showed that the nurse’s questions were much more painful than the injury.

Once she left the room, Jake announced that he needed to fart (boys feel the need to proclaim that hourly).  The conversation went something like… “Don’t you dare!” “But I have to.”  “No, this is a tiny room and the doctor will be in any second.”  “I can’t hold it.”  “Don’t do it!  The doctor may think it was me!!”

When the doctor came in, the first thing he said was “Yes, you can smell it in the air…”  I glared at Jake as if to say TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DO IT!!!  Fortunately, the doctor continued his statement “Yes, you can smell it in the air.  Football season and the injuries it brings.”  Whew.  I had to cover my face to hide the chuckling over what I thought the statement was referencing.  I’m not sure what the doctor said for the next 5 minutes, because I was using all of my focus trying to maintain my composure.

For some reason, hearing someone say buttocks is hysterical to boys.  Every time it was mentioned, Jake would smirk and glance at me.  “Did you get hit in the buttocks or did you fall on your buttocks?”  Snicker.  Snicker.  “Does your right buttock hurt more than your left buttock?” Snicker.  Snicker.  And so on…  I was trying to do anything to prevent an outburst of laughter.  Bit my lip.  Fake coughed.  Thought of the ending of Toy Story 3.  That worked.  The doctor probably thought I was overreacting a bit to be tearing up about the injury but at least I wasn’t going to be known as the Mom who laughed at her child’s broken bone.

Photo credit www.backpainsavvy.hubpages.com

By the time the doctor began talking about the crushed coccyx bone, I could barely contain myself.  “The bones in your spine curve in at your lower back and then once it gets below the sacrum, it curves back out.  The bone that sticks out at the bottom is the coccyx.”  A bone called the coccyx sticking out below the sacrum…well, I’m sure you can picture the expression on Jake’s face.  The word buttocks is funny to a teen boy; the word coccyx is hilarious.  Add in the word sacrum, and it’s too much to handle.  I couldn’t even look Jake in the eye because I knew if I did, I would be rolling on the floor.

If there is going to be a bone referred to as the “funny bone,” I think the coccyx bone would be a better choice than the elbow.  But then again, the skin covering the elbow is sometimes referred to as the wenus so, yeah, I guess that is funnier.  Hey docs, who named these body parts anyway??

Now before I get slammed for being unsympathetic, I do feel very bad for Jake.  I know first-hand that it is very painful because I broke my tailbone falling down some stairs once.  Perhaps a problem of weak cheeks runs in the family?  Our family just tends to find humor in strange places.  Just imagine if he broke his humerus bone…

If laughter is the best medicine, Jake should heal very quickly.  I surely hope this injury doesn’t cause Jake to be the butt of any jokes.

Happiness, Humor, Life, Parent, Parenting, Uncategorized

Tales of a Tattle

Greg: “Eric called me a snitch.”
Me (to Greg): “Just tell him that’s not nice.”
Me (to Jim): “He is snitching about being called a snitch.  Do you see the irony here??”
A minute later…
Greg: “Now he called me a tattle-tale for telling that he called me a snitch.”
Jim:   “Greg, what is the definition of a tattle-tale?”
Greg: “Someone who tells on someone else that isn’t doing something very bad.”
Me:    “And what are you doing now?”
Greg: “…oopsie…”
_________________________________________
  • Greg: “I’m going to go play Jake’s PS3.”
  • Me:    “Did Jake say it is ok?”
  • Greg: “Yes, he owes me time because he punched me but I didn’t tell.”
  • Me:   “Well…you kinda’ just did.”