After a football game loss, a member of the opposing team upset Eric by giving him a hard time at school…
Eric: I can’t wait to play them again. I hope we win this time so I can go to school and tease THEM about losing.
Me: Remember, do onto others…
Eric: I know. The ‘others’ were mean ‘unto’ me, so I will be mean ‘unto’ them.
Me: No…it means you treat them the way you WANT them to treat you, not the way they DID treat you.
Eric: I like my version better.
Erma Bombeck is remembered as more than just a brilliant writer. She paved the way for wives and mothers to openly admit the difficulties encountered in every day life. She broke away from the status quo and embraced imperfection. She is legendary for her ability to tell the stories of her life with incredible humor and unwavering honesty. The following story is my tribute to Erma. While Erma’s gift to “tell it like it is” is exceedingly difficult to replicate, she will always have a huge influence on my writing.
BROTHER BRAWLS
I don’t understand why siblings seem to make it their goal in life to be cruel to each other. Sometimes I think they do it just to get a reaction out of me. And they usually do. The meanness will make my blood boil faster than a pot of water.
One day, Eric and Jake were having an argument that escalated to the point that I felt I needed to step in and ask “What happened??” Both started spewing out responses at the same time. “He started it.” “I didn’t do it.” “It’s his fault.” “It’s not my fault.” I interupted, “Woah, wait a minute. From the beginning!” Eric responded, “Well, it all started when I was born and…” Maybe you are on to something Eric.
Jake enjoys looking at videos on Youtube. I saw his most recent search on the computer. “How to annoy people.” I don’t think any instruction is needed for that topic.
Jake got in trouble for calling Eric a nerd for reading the newspaper. When I reprimanded him about it, he concocted the answer “That was a compliment. It means Not…Ever…Really…Dumb.” Good save.
Jimmy and Jake were having a pretend fight as we were leaving a football game. Jake rolled on the ground while Jimmy “kicked” him. An elderly lady came up and yelled for them to stop fighting. Jimmy tried to inform her that it was ok because they were brothers but Jake interjected, “No we aren’t. I don’t know him. He’s bullying me!” Jimmy couldn’t convince her otherwise and they both ran to the car while she yelled after them. Jimmy and Jake still quote her sometimes. “Don’t make me have to go get my badge!” To this day we can’t figure out what kind of badge she would have had.
The game “punch buggy” involves punching someone in the arm every time you see a VW Bug. During an intense “punch” game, Greg was getting frustrated because he was in the back row of our Suburban and couldn’t reach anyone. I saw him kicking and was ready to scold him when he yelled “Kick buggy, no kick back!” All I could do was laugh. The game eventually got out of control and the punching was banished because of too many injuries and complaints. A few minutes later Greg exclaimed, “Say buggy, no say backs!”
Eric came to inform me that Greg called him “dumb.” Greg ran in and defensively responded, “I did NOT. I called you dork.” Yes, that is much better.
Just when I was about to lose all hope of them ever getting along, the following conversation happened on the way to the first day of school for Greg. Eric asked if Greg knew where to go and Greg said he couldn’t remember. Eric put his hand on Greg’s shoulder and reassured him, “Don’t worry. I will show you the way.”
With moments like that, maybe brotherly brawls and parental peace actually can coexist. Hopefully they will show me the way when I forget.
Important warning to all bloggers: One must be sure to log out of WordPress on husband’s computer when finished. Or one may find a new mysterious blog entry next time one logs on.
My husband, Jim, finally decided to read Momopolize. “Gee honey, it only took you 3 weeks. Thanks.” Oops. I forgot, I promised to play nice. I meant “Gee honey, you took the time to read 3 weeks of blogs in one day. Thanks!!” After reading, he decided to post a complimentary comment about my new blog. Only he didn’t post a comment. He put his comment as a new blog post. And PUBLISHED it. For the world to see. So for everyone who viewed the new blog entry from earlier today titled “I hope no…”, now you have an explanation. I’m sure you’ve been wracking your brain all day trying to figure out the mystery.
At least now I know I’m not the most technologically challenged person in the family.
This was Jim’s “comment” blog entry seen ’round the world.
“I hope no one sees how long I’ve been reading this. I never realized how much I miss of my own family. What an interesting time from 2:30pm to 6:00pm each week day. I know I don’t say it enough, but thank you for all you do! Love you.”
I hope this dispels any rumors that I am narcissistic for posting my immense appreciation and love for myself.
Honey, repeat this 3 times: Don’t click “add new post.” Ever. Thanks for the kind comment though. I really do appreciate it. And for giving me my laugh for the day. And material. Lots of material for my blog. Writing my blog is easy. I simply regurgitate the antics of my family!
I’m not really a writer. I just play one in real life.
(7/30/12)
Yes, officially it may be Labor Day. A day intended to celebrate work and also the symbolic end of summer. However, for me today is a day to recover from the first week of school, and to mourn the end of summer.
The first week of school is really tough. Adjusting to rising early, making a good impression on the new teachers, getting all the homework done. No, not the kids. ME!
The horrid beeping of the dreaded alarm aside, the first week is full of assignments for the parents. This early in the year, I’m still trying to give the illusion that I have it all together. By the end of the year, it is unquestionably apparent that I do not, but I start out each year using slight of hand tricks to cover the truth.
Monday started out well. I got all 4 of the dreaded “first day packets” filled out. It even seemed less time consuming this year. Maybe after 12 years, I’m finally getting it. I even filled out the “describe your child” sheet for Eric, which I find extremely difficult. “Five adjectives that best describe your child.” OK Miss Teacher, do you want me to describe my child or really describe my child?
Abrasive, Combative, Volatile, Obnoxious and Selfish. No, that’s is how his brothers would describe him.
Argumentative, Whiny, Defiant, Forgetful, Lazy. No, that’s only when asked to do chores.
Brilliant, Enchanting, Enthusiastic, Responsible, Dazzling. No, too kiss up.
Kind, Bright, Funny, Happy, Stubborn. Simple, with a negative thrown in for a reality check. Bingo.
Truthfully, I don’t remember which adjectives I ended up using. I know stubborn stayed. The rest were probably barely legible because I changed my mind so much I almost erased right through the paper. Immediately I put the paperwork in the kids’ backpacks to be returned the next day. Put one in the win column.
Eric came home Tuesday with all the papers still in his folder, exactly where I had proudly placed them. Are you kidding me?? “Teacher, teacher, I did my homework. I did it all. I did my best. But…my dog ate it? Well, my kid ate it. Or forgot to turn it in. Something like that.” Come on Eric. Let me look good past the SECOND day of school!
One of my other homework tasks for Eric’s class is to sign his agenda every day. Simple
enough. Illegible initials in the signature box. Check. On Thursday I notice – in bid red letters – a note from the teacher. A note that was written on TUESDAY. In addition to not turning in my homework, he didn’t turn in his time capsule. Apparently I’m not JUST supposed to sign the agenda. I’m supposed to actually READ it first. Maybe the teacher needs to add flashing lights and sirens next time.
In the backpack the time capsule went, to be turned in first thing Friday.
Sigh. First homework assignment 3 days late.
Friday afternoon I notice an envelope on the couch. That looks similar to that troublesome time capsule envelope. No way. Are you kidding me?? No, really. Someone must be messing with me.
Sigh. First homework assignment 4 days late.
If it actually gets there tomorrow.
Trying to keep the illusion going this year is going to require some smoke and mirrors. And maybe a rabbit. 
We refer to Karma a lot in our house. Usually in a bad way.
“You called your brother stupid and then forgot to study for a test? Karma.”
“You left your skateboard propped against the wall after I told you not to and it fell on your toe? Karma.”
This past week, I had spent a lot of time being a really nice person. Really nice. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back. I enjoy fostering kittens but it has been overwhelming recently and has required more effort than normal. Adoption events, meeting a rescue transport last minute because a group of kittens was scheduled to be euthanized, and, more recently, many vet visits because the poor little baby kittens are ill. The past few days I have had to hand feed kitten milk “formula” every few hours with a syringe. Also last week I agreed to spend many hours doing a strenuous task at work that everyone else (who knew better) didn’t want to do. Today, as I’m on hold with the rescue’s vet (which is about 45 minutes away) trying to schedule yet another appointment (because, despite all my effort, the kittens weren’t improving), all I could think was “when it rains, it pours!” I was already having a little pity party for myself because I had to be late for a picnic in order to make a trip home just to pick up a kitten (not one of the sick ones). I begrudgingly agreed to deliver him to his adopter during the time I should have been at the picnic because it was the only time she was available, even though it wasn’t convenient for me.
When loading up the kitten for his adoption meeting, Jimmy went down into the basement and informed us that there was a funny noise. Jim went to investigate and realized a pipe had burst. It had JUST burst. The wall was wet but it hadn’t even made it to the carpeted floor yet. Jim turned off the water and averted disaster.
“You kindly missed part of your picnic to help a rescued foster kitten find his forever home and then your basement didn’t flood? Karma.”
Shortly after we arrived to the picnic, it started raining. Yep, when it rains, it pours. But better that the pouring was outside at a picnic instead of in our basement. Thanks Karma.
I had to leave the picnic early to make it to the vet appointment, but that’s ok. I’ll just expect another visit from Karma.
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(The two itty-bitty-under-a-pound-in-weight kittens had to stay at the vet overnight because they are so ill. Poor, sweet little guys. I’m waiting to get an update on them any moment now. Hey Karma, I will take that next visit now!!)
That awkward moment when you realize the kids have left the room and you are watching Spongebob alone.
And you still don’t change the channel.
See??? It’s good stuff!
Bummer. I just realized that tonight is the rare second full moon of the month. The Blue Moon. I missed out on doing all those things I always say I do once in a…well, you get it. Now I have to wait 3 more years to do them!
Since I get manicures once in a blue moon, I guess the Caviar Mani isn’t in the cards for me. I’m sure that trend will be gone by 2015. On the bright side, I guess I’m also off the hook for cleaning my windows
.
I tried explaining what a blue moon is to Greg, but as soon as he heard the words “Blue” and “Moon,” he yelled “So the SMURFS are coming tonight???” Oh Greg, get your facts straight buddy. The Smurfs didn’t COME to the Big Apple during a blue moon. They get to go back to Smurfville tonight. What Greg? No, it’s not an actual big apple. That’s what people call New Yor…oh, nevermind. I feel like I should come up with a witty explanation. But I am only clever once in a blue moon.
Since I missed my opportunity tonight, I guess for the next 3 years I need to change the saying to “once in two blue moons.”