I am sick. A lot. I hide it. Well.

I try not to complain. I really do try. I tell myself that others have worse problems. I’m fortunate in many ways. But that doesn’t mean my problems aren’t important. So, for today, I’m giving myself permission to complain. A lot. I’m not hiding it. Not well.

I have a body full of bacteria and a weak immune system. I have lyme, and have also tested positive for all of the major co-infections that ticks carry. Lucky me got bitten by a tick with super powers. Oh, did I mention I also have lupus? And blood clotting issues that makes my blood the ideal environment for bacteria to thrive? When I get sick, I really do it right.

A recent illness required a trip to the ER. While lying around, I made a sick and tired list. It was therapeutic.

• I’m sick and tired of hearing “but you don’t look sick.”
• I want to not FEEL sick.

• I’m sick and tired of feeling weak for not being able to get rid of  problems caused by a bite by something the size of a pin head.
• I want to feel strong for being able to get out of bed at all while my body is fighting so hard.

• I’m sick and tired of feeling like a guinea pig when a new treatment option comes out.
• I want off this hamster wheel.

• I’m sick and tired of being told that I always have a smile on my face and handle it so well. Don’t ask my family how I really handle it. They see me at my worst.
• I want to truly always have a smile on my face.

• I’m sick and tired of having liver damage caused by the bacteria.
• I want any damage to my liver to be caused by too much expensive wine.

• I’m sick and tired of brain fog making me forgetful.  Wait, what was I going to say next?? Oh, now I remember…
• I want the only cloudiness I deal with to be weather related.

• I’m sick and tired of the random ups and downs of symptoms that come and go.
• I want to ride a roller coaster, not live one.

• I’m sick and tired of going to the lab for blood tests. And being told how bad my veins are as they poke me repeatedly to find a good one.
• I want to only be poked on Facebook. And even that can be annoying.

• I’m sick and tired of getting burned from forgetting sunscreen during a car ride while on medication that makes me sun sensitive.
• I want to get burned from having so much fun at the pool that I lost track of time and spent the entire day there.

• I’m sick and tired of telling my kids to see what is in the freezer because I’m too tired to cook.
• I want to have freshly baked cookies ready every day after school.  …Yeah, that probably wouldn’t happen regardless.

• I’m sick and tired of taking horrible tasting pills by the handful.
• I want handfuls of M&Ms.  They melt in your mouth.

• I’m sick and tired of spending so many hours in bed.
• I want a Tempurpedic. But I digress. I want to only need my bed at night.

• I’m sick and tired of my kids searching for socks that match because I haven’t done laundry.
• I want a laundry fairy. But, again, I digress.

• I’m sick and tired of a new treatment making me feel better temporarily.  Without warning the improvement ends. It always ends.
• I want the end to be happily-ever-after.

• I’m sick and tired of counting spoons.
• I want a giant ladle.

• I’m sick and tired of cancelling plans with friends. Or hesitating to make plans in the first place to avoid having to explain why I am cancelling.
• I want to be a good friend.

• I’m sick and tired of being a source of information for friends concerned about having lyme. I enjoy helping; I don’t enjoy why I am knowledgeable.
• I want to have never heard of lyme. Just the green fruit.

• I’m sick and tired of doctors telling me I have a high tolerance for pain. That doesn’t make living with it any better.
• I want to be a wimp and cry over a stubbed toe because that is the worst pain I have ever felt.

• I’m sick and tired of trying to cram in everything fun on days when I am feeling well. I should have learned by now that doing too much at once ultimately makes me sick again.
• I want to have fun every day.

• I’m sick and tired of having an illness that I don’t want to discuss because it is so misunderstood and affects everyone so differently.  If I hadn’t personally experienced it, I wouldn’t believe some of it either.
• I want it to make sense.

• I’m sick and tired of well meaning people telling me of a friend who tried “X” or a cousin who took “Y” and are perfectly healthy now. I have tried “X” and “Y” and also A-W.
• I want to find “Z.” I know that will cure me. It is out there. Somewhere.

• I’m sick and tired of doctors telling me I am a medical mystery.
• I want to be solved.

• I’m sick and tired of calling it lyme disease. Disease sounds too permanent.
• I want it gone.

• I’m sick and tired of being sick. And tired.
• I want health.