(7/30/12)
Yes, officially it may be Labor Day. A day intended to celebrate work and also the symbolic end of summer. However, for me today is a day to recover from the first week of school, and to mourn the end of summer.
The first week of school is really tough. Adjusting to rising early, making a good impression on the new teachers, getting all the homework done. No, not the kids. ME!
The horrid beeping of the dreaded alarm aside, the first week is full of assignments for the parents. This early in the year, I’m still trying to give the illusion that I have it all together. By the end of the year, it is unquestionably apparent that I do not, but I start out each year using slight of hand tricks to cover the truth.
Monday started out well. I got all 4 of the dreaded “first day packets” filled out. It even seemed less time consuming this year. Maybe after 12 years, I’m finally getting it. I even filled out the “describe your child” sheet for Eric, which I find extremely difficult. “Five adjectives that best describe your child.” OK Miss Teacher, do you want me to describe my child or really describe my child?
Abrasive, Combative, Volatile, Obnoxious and Selfish. No, that’s is how his brothers would describe him.
Argumentative, Whiny, Defiant, Forgetful, Lazy. No, that’s only when asked to do chores.
Brilliant, Enchanting, Enthusiastic, Responsible, Dazzling. No, too kiss up.
Kind, Bright, Funny, Happy, Stubborn. Simple, with a negative thrown in for a reality check. Bingo.
Truthfully, I don’t remember which adjectives I ended up using. I know stubborn stayed. The rest were probably barely legible because I changed my mind so much I almost erased right through the paper. Immediately I put the paperwork in the kids’ backpacks to be returned the next day. Put one in the win column.
Eric came home Tuesday with all the papers still in his folder, exactly where I had proudly placed them. Are you kidding me?? “Teacher, teacher, I did my homework. I did it all. I did my best. But…my dog ate it? Well, my kid ate it. Or forgot to turn it in. Something like that.” Come on Eric. Let me look good past the SECOND day of school!
One of my other homework tasks for Eric’s class is to sign his agenda every day. Simple
enough. Illegible initials in the signature box. Check. On Thursday I notice – in bid red letters – a note from the teacher. A note that was written on TUESDAY. In addition to not turning in my homework, he didn’t turn in his time capsule. Apparently I’m not JUST supposed to sign the agenda. I’m supposed to actually READ it first. Maybe the teacher needs to add flashing lights and sirens next time.
In the backpack the time capsule went, to be turned in first thing Friday.
Sigh. First homework assignment 3 days late.
Friday afternoon I notice an envelope on the couch. That looks similar to that troublesome time capsule envelope. No way. Are you kidding me?? No, really. Someone must be messing with me.
Sigh. First homework assignment 4 days late.
If it actually gets there tomorrow.
Trying to keep the illusion going this year is going to require some smoke and mirrors. And maybe a rabbit. 
That awkward moment when you realize the kids have left the room and you are watching Spongebob alone.
And you still don’t change the channel.
See??? It’s good stuff!
Bummer. I just realized that tonight is the rare second full moon of the month. The Blue Moon. I missed out on doing all those things I always say I do once in a…well, you get it. Now I have to wait 3 more years to do them!
Since I get manicures once in a blue moon, I guess the Caviar Mani isn’t in the cards for me. I’m sure that trend will be gone by 2015. On the bright side, I guess I’m also off the hook for cleaning my windows
.
I tried explaining what a blue moon is to Greg, but as soon as he heard the words “Blue” and “Moon,” he yelled “So the SMURFS are coming tonight???” Oh Greg, get your facts straight buddy. The Smurfs didn’t COME to the Big Apple during a blue moon. They get to go back to Smurfville tonight. What Greg? No, it’s not an actual big apple. That’s what people call New Yor…oh, nevermind. I feel like I should come up with a witty explanation. But I am only clever once in a blue moon.
Since I missed my opportunity tonight, I guess for the next 3 years I need to change the saying to “once in two blue moons.”
Tonight, I was already on my last nerve when I got cut off not once, but twice within 5 minutes. So when the lady in the lane next to me saw my turn signal and sped up to prevent me from merging into her lane, I did it. I gave her the bird. And I don’t mean the bluebird of happiness. So there you have it. I’m a Mother Flipper.
Today had been one of those days. A nothing-has-gone-right, is-it-over-yet kind of day. After my “kind gesture,” I was sitting at a stop light behind a pick-up truck that had a brown tarp covering something in the bed. In my impatient state of mind, I was tailgating so had an up close and personal view of the tarp. Apparently, one corner of the tarp wasn’t tied down. When the light turned green, the wind got under the tarp and I swear that corner rose from the dead and turned into a hideous monster with its arms flailing wildly. The edge of the tarp was even frayed like teeth. I literally SOL’d (screamed out loud). As I realized how ridiculous I must have looked, then I LOL’d. I looked at the tarp again. I think I may have seen a finger sticking up. Probably in response to me following too closely.
When I got home, I tripped on a shoe at the front door and as I stumbled forward, I had a vision of me doing a somersault and landing on the floor. Good thing I didn’t. Then I would have been a Mother Flipping Flipper.
(Addendum: Now that I give it some thought…with the mood I was in, perhaps what I thought was a monster was actually my reflection!)_____________________________
The tarp monster:
(From 1/8/12)