Introducing “Guesterday’s News!” Guest Post Week was so much fun, I’m going to continue to post guest bloggers once a week (…or so…I’m not good with “schedules”) through the end of the summer (and monthly-ish after that)! Today’s blogger is hysterical Alyson of The Shitastrophy. Just the name of her blog tells you all about her sense of humor. I had to laugh when she responded to my search for guest bloggers that she had a hard time coming up with a “PG-13” post to submit. 😀 Don’t read this one with the kids around…you wouldn’t want them to ask WHY you are laughing so hard. Explaining THIS bizarre story would make answering the standard “where do babies come from” question seem like a walk in the park.
The best part is that this show is on TLC. The. Learning. Channel. Well, I guess from this episode you DO learn that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction…
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Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical attitude. She has to make a conscious effort not to curse in most conversations. She is the mother of 2 kids who provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that everything he says or does will be highlighted in her next blog post, Facebook update or Tweet.
This post was originally published here.
Is That a Baby in Your Pants?
This was seriously the title of a TLC episode of ‘I Didn’t know I was Pregnant’. I was flipping through the channels and this caught my eye, how could it not? I turned to it because seriously I just had to watch this. I missed the first few minutes, but the show was just getting to the quality reenactment portion. The mother was on an exam table in the ER and was in a full on panic. The nurse was busy cutting her out of her pants and asking questions. Then the camera zooms in on the woman’s nether regions and there long and behold was a baby. WTF?
The nurse exclaimed, “Ma’am congratulations you just delivered a baby!”
The confused 42 year old new mother questioned her, “A what?”
The nurse then said it….wait for it…wait for it….”You just had a Baby, in your pants!”
Seriously this is totally freaking ridiculous. This woman had no idea she just had a 6 lb 9 oz baby in her pants? What did she think was moving in her pants? That would be a massive shit if that was what she was thinking, and one that moves? My first thought once I started to think through the possibility of this scenario was – did this woman not have any underwear on? Did she push this 7 lb turd right through the crotch of her panties? Was she numb down below? Cause I gotta tell you, I am pretty much aware of most things in my underwear. If a watermelon was crowning in my lower extremities I would like to think I would be at least a little bit curious. I would maybe excuse myself to the restroom, or something. I would not be able to have a child just slip out head, shoulders, legs and everything and be none the wiser.
This then lead me to think, wow this woman must have had other kids or something. Surely a 7 lb kid doesn’t just fall out of your vagina unless that is a well stretched canal. Nope, first kid. So was she just that loose down there? Cause most first time mom’s I know had to have a few stitches to make things right again. That type of trauma causes some tearing. I have first hand experience. The idea that my first or second would have just dropped out of my vagina is pretty much impossible for me to believe. And let’s just imagine for a minute that a kid did just fall out of your body into your pants, busting it’s way through your underwear – would you not feel some movement? How could she have delivered an entire child in her pants and not feel or see the baby move? Was she thinking she had an alien in her pants? Or what about her water breaking? Did she think she just peed all over herself without knowing? Wouldn’t her pants be a little wet? Was she going to keep on her pants – yeah honey I peed myself but I am gonna go ahead and keep these on cause they’ll dry. I have to think that when the baby dropped out like a parachuter into her pants that there would be some sliminess, cause I have delivered 2 kids and they don’t come out clean.
Either way, I gotta say I am now going to have to watch this show more because this shit is just insane and it makes me feel like a genius.
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After you set up your DVR to record a season pass of this show (you know you want to), go visit Alyson’s blog for some more laughs! And tell her I sent you!