Some families get annual family portraits professionally taken.  We don’t.  In fact, the last time we did was six years ago.  The time before that Jimmy was a baby.  And now I remember why.

I saw a Groupon offer for the portrait place at our local mall.  I should have remembered how our trips to the mall usually end up.  But in a moment of insanity, I bought the deal.

We aren’t a dress-up-all-cute-and-coordinated type family.  For photos, I’m happy if the clothes are (mostly) unwrinkled, (mostly) unstained and (mostly) clean (yeah, mostly).  Since I knew our next family portrait may be NEVER ever again in another 6 years, I pushed my luck and requested everyone to dress in similar colors.  Jimmy wasn’t home when I screamed down the hall politely said “Wear something with purple or black.”  He didn’t get the memo.  Grey/Black.  Close enough.

After much grumbling and complaining from me the kids, we arrived at the mall.  And even almost on time for our appointment!

I knew we were in trouble when I realized the photographer who was assigned for our shoot had ZERO sense of humor.  She didn’t crack a single smile the entire time.  The Groupon fine print should have included a warning, “Cheapskate Bargain seeking families will be assigned to the grumpiest photographer available.”

We did manage to get one print-worthy photo, which is near the end of this post.  But I know you don’t really care about that.  You are here for the outtakes!

This is what happens when the only photos your kids ever have to pose for are sports related.  Are you ready for some football?? Photo 1: Fail.

My kids just weren’t getting the “instructions” she was giving on how/where to stand.  In their defense, she seemed to be trying to make it as confusing as possible.  She finally got tired of trying to get Eric to put his back toward Jake (he kept just turning his head) and just went ahead and snapped this photo.  I guess Greg got tired of waiting too.  Photo 2: Fail.

The next photo looks simple, right? It wasn’t.  BUT you can’t tell that Jimmy and Jake were trying to inflict pain on their brothers so…  Photo 3: Success.

Things went down hill quickly.  Photo 4: Fail (but perfectly depicts personalities).

I think by this point the photographer just wanted to shoot her “required minimum” poses and get the hell away from us. Photo 5: Fail.

I guess the photo above gave the photographer a “bright idea.”  Why on earth she thought my kids would go for her next pose is beyond me.  But she tried.  She told Jake to lay down.  He did.  Then she told Jimmy to lay down.  And he did, next to Jake.  Then it happened.  She said, “No, lay on TOP of him.”  It was the first time all day the boys were silent.  We all realized what pose she was going for.  This…

The reaction was this… (They are blurry because I was shaking so hard from laughter!)  Photo 6A: Major Fail (so major that it didn’t actually happen.)

She had had ENOUGH of us and mumbled something before walking out.  Session over.

We picked our favorite pose (it was a really tough choice.  Not.) and left.  I think they locked the doors behind us.  Photo 6B: Success!

The best photo was good, but not fantastic so I decided to use my mad Microsoft Paint skills to combine the best shot of each person from all of the other outtakes and make it perfect.  Photo 7: NAILED IT!

At least now we know what we’d look like as Bobble Heads.

Photo shoot: $16                 Memories: Classless

They have probably modified the Groupon fine print to say “Not valid for anyone affiliated with Momopolize.” 

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RECOMMENDED PRODUCT: SMILE BRILLIANT TEETH WHITENING KIT 

It was perfect timing to try a teeth whitening kit before getting the long-overdue family portrait!  I received the Smile Brilliant package very quickly.  The kit came with material – which reminded me of silly putty – for the teeth impressions.  The instructions were very simple to follow and only took a few minutes.  My only complaint is that I wanted to play with the “silly putty” longer before it hardened in the mouth piece (Kidding!  I can buy ACTUAL silly putty if I want to play).  Once I received my custom trays, I got busy whitening!   The first time I put the trays in, I thought I would have a hard time keeping them in for the recommended whitening time without gagging, but I got used to it very quickly. I should add an important bit of information here. I’ve had spots on my teeth since I was a child from a reaction to Ampicillin, I think.  Some kind of ‘cillin anyway.  After the first time I used the whitening gel, the white spots were MUCH whiter than the rest of my teeth (i.e. more noticeable than before I used the gel).  I was slightly worried BUT the instructions said the gel is safe for teeth that were discolored by a reaction to medication so I kept at it.  After the second application, the rest of my teeth started to catch up to the white spots and started looking whiter over all!  You can see for yourself in the photos below the big difference after all the daily applications.  Both photos were taken at the same time of the day at the exact same location.  It is much harder to get a good photo of your teeth (and much, much more embarrassing to post them for the world to see) than you’d think it would be.  In full disclosure: the white spots are less noticeable in the photo than in real life, since I couldn’t get a perfectly clear “selfie.”  You can’t see them at all in the second photo.  They are much less noticeable, but still there. That is what I expected though because they’ve always been there!

Jim was so impressed with my results, he is using a kit on his teeth also!

Now for the fun part:  A GIVEAWAY!  One lucky reader will win a kit just like the one I used.  To enter, subscribe to Momopolize via email (in the upper right corner of this page).  If you are already a subscriber, just add a comment below.

 

Contest winner will be chosen on 2/28/14.