Category Archives: Parenting

Happiness, Health, Humor, Inspiration, Joke, Parenting

Lying about our age. Ladies, we’ve been doing it all wrong.

March 28, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 36 Comments

Remember being a kid and wanting people to think you are older than you are?

“I’m 12. And a half.”

Don’t forget the half.

As adults, we reach a point when that changes. Rounding up our age is no longer desirable.

So we lie.

For years I jokingly told my kids I was 29. Mostly jokingly. Well, sort of jokingly.

One day I finally came to the realization that saying I was 29 was essentially telling
my kids that I got pregnant when I was 12.

Not exactly the morality message I want to send.

Just why DO we try to hide our true age? Why is it impolite to
ask a woman her age? It’s not like we’ve done something wrong.

“Oh gosh. I can’t believe I aged 365 days this past year. PLEASE don’t tell anyone!”

I mean, we don’t have a choice. Everyone single person ages a day every single day of their lives. No matter what. So why does that suddenly become something to disguise?

And anyway, I realized I had it all wrong. Totally wrong! Why would I want to say I’m younger than I truly am?

Since turning back time is only possible in movies, ultimately don’t we just want to look young for our (real) age? To feel young for our age?

When I’m saying I’m 29 but am actually 39, people are just going to think,

“Dang girl! You look like crap for 29!

Goal not accomplished.

So listen up ladies! When you lie about your age, don’t subtract 10 years. ADD 10!

Then people will say,

“Wow! You look incredible for 49! What’s your secret??”

Or better yet , just tell the truth.

I’m 44. And a half.

Don’t forget the half

How old are YOU??

Facebook, Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized

Not-so-new-newsfeed wrap up 3/25/13

March 26, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 7 Comments

Since I seem to be unable to get a new blog post written, I will at least post snippets from my Facebook newsfeed this past week. Join us at www.facebook.com/Momopolize for even more fun!

After the (not-so-new) newsfeed posts is also info about Bloglovin’ and a book I’m in!

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For parents (like me) who are having snow during the kids’ spring break, here is a simple solution. You’re welcome. Really, it’s snow problem at all.

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At a wrestling tournament yesterday, Jimmy came up and sat next to me on the bleachers and…

Jimmy: Mom, thanks for not being an asshole parent. I just heard a Dad yelling at his son as he came off the mat ‘What the hell were you doing out there??? I didn’t drive an hour and waste my day to watch you SUCK.’ ”

Me: Why do you think I bring you to these tournaments? It has nothing to do with wrestling. It’s all about making me look like an awesome parent in comparison.

That conversation made the 12 hour day totally worth it.

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Me: Eric asked if we can buy more girl scout cookies. Can you pick up Samoa?
Jim: Sure. I’ll see if Eric wants to Tag-a-long.

‘Cause we are just THAT cool.

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That awkward moment when you enter a public restroom stall with the toilet seat up and you wonder…was the bathroom just cleaned or am I in the men’s room??

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A lady sitting near me was endlessly gossiping to a friend.

Me (whispering to Jim): “Geesh, she is such a busy-body.”

Said while eavesdropping.

Pot. Kettle.

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When I picked up Eric after school, he was grinning from ear to ear and holding up his much anticipated recorder he received today during music class.

My out-loud voice: Woohoo!!! I can’t wait to hear you play it when we get home!
My inner voice: For the next month I get to hear the sound of a duck that just got his wing yanked off. Woo. Hoo.

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Everyone please stop posting about spring cleaning. The guilt is making me take desperate measures. Like watching Hoarders.

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Actually, for me it is more like…

“Wow honey, the house is so clean!” said my husband. Never.

Maybe he should talk to Verizon to schedule daily outages.

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I think Jimmy has forgotten that I can see his Twitter account. He tweeted, “I will never get over just how awesome some parents are and just how boring mine are.”

Oh, the love.

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Speaking of, you can show me some lovin’ by following me on Bloglovin’! It is a way to keep track of all the blogs you read in one handy-dandy list. For the blogs you follow, there is a list of all unread posts, similar to a newsfeed. Below is a screen shot to show you what it’s like (and as an added bonus, you can see some of the awesome blogs I’m following. I highly recommend you check them out also!). Click the cute little Bloglovin’ button on my sidebar to the right or follow me here.

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<— Buy this book April 2. Why? Because I’m in it! 🙂

No, that’s not an April Fool’s joke. I’m really in it. Shocking, right?

It is the 4th book in the Life Well Blogged series. The first 3 made it to the top 10 best sellers on Amazon for Parenting books. Will you help this one get to #1??

I will post the link once it is up on Amazon and will have some copies to offer as giveaways too!

Humor, Life, Parenting

Bad boys, bad boys. What’cha gonna do?

March 12, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 20 Comments

No one ever wants to get the cell phone call “The cops are at your house and want to talk to you.” But I did.

Jake was babysitting while Jim, Jimmy and I were working last night. I received that call from my neighbor at 10:15.

Talk about a heart-pounding moment.

Did someone break in?

Is the house on fire?

Were they out vandalizing the neighborhood?

Are they out on the lawn beating the tar out of each other?

No. They left the dog out in the back yard. Our separation anxiety dog Brownie that freaks out when we aren’t in sight (except, for some reason, when she’s gallivanting through the neighborhood with Cookie). And she heard there was rain in the forecast. She is the only lab in the world that hates water. And it was dark. And Cookie was INSIDE (still not sure WHY one dog was brought inside and not the other….).

So she was REALLY freaked out.

She had been barking non-stop and finally someone had had enough and called the police. While I am deeply sorry for keeping my neighbors awake, I must admit I was relieved THAT was the reason the police were there and not my initial thoughts.

Jake had put Eric and Greg to bed, turned his video game on, and was so oblivious to the world that he didn’t hear a dog that was barking loudly enough to wake the entire neighborhood. Or the pounding on the front door. Or see the flashing blue lights in front of our house. Or the flashlight shining in the windows.

Well, he DID hear the pounding.

“I heard someone knocking on the door but I’m not supposed to answer the door when you aren’t home. So I didn’t.”

You got me there Jake.

Oi vey.

Time to cut the sleeves off of Jim’s t-shirts.

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This morning one of my funny blogger friends wrote about differences between herself and Mr. Rogers. I can tell you one difference for me. The answer to “Won’t you be my neighbor?” A resounding NO.

Humor, Life, Parenting, Pet adoption, pets, Uncategorized

The Birds and the Bees. And the Cats.

February 20, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 10 Comments

I almost had to explain a different meaning to “in the heat”of the moment.

Our current foster cat, Mona, was rescued with her 2 kittens, who were adopted a couple of weeks ago. When a Momma cat realizes her kittens are “missing,” she frantically searches and howls for them for a few days. It is sad. They move on though.

But Mona started howling again.

Because she is in heat.

Moan-a is a good name for her right now.

Her actions prompted this conversation:

Hey good lookin'. Buy me a glass of milk? — Hey good lookin’. Buy me a glass of milk?

Eric: Poor Mona. She is still meowing and looking for her babies.

Me: MmmHmm. She is looking for something all right. But she is saying “come here baby” for a different reason.

Eric: She’s been a lot more playful since her kittens left. She tries to play with Mushu ALL the time. She crouches down with her butt up in the air like she’s going to pounce on him.

Me: MmmHmm. I haven’t heard it referred to as “pouncing” before, but we can call it that. However, she wants to be the pounce-ee.

Eric: Mushu doesn’t seem like he wants to play though.

Me: MmmHmm. Mushu doesn’t have the balls to “play” with Mona. Literally.

OK, my actual response was just the “MmmHmm” part…but I THOUGHT the rest.

I could have used this as a teachable moment. But the birds and the bees, kitty style, can wait. I will let a pounce just be a pounce for a little longer.

Here she comes now sayin’ Mona Mona. Hey. Hey What? Get lai…

Oops, probably not an appropriate song right now….

Since Mushu is neutered, Mona is just going to have to sing “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…”

P.S. Get your cats (and dogs) spayed (and neutered) to reduce pet overpopulation. And so you don’t have to hear any Moan-a, Moan-a!

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Since I’ve had to listen to a cat meow non-stop for days, can you give me a couple of votes to help me forget about my headache? Just a click is all it takes!

Then click on this banner!

Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting

Not Post #100 Worthy.

February 16, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 7 Comments

Jake told me my 100th post needed to be something special. You get this instead.

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Me (without looking away from my computer): I saw that.
Jake: What?
Me: You better apologize before I get to 3.
Jake: For what?
Me: 1. 2.
Jake: I didn’t moon them!
Me: I never said moon.
Jake: Hu…? Dang it. You’re good.

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In the “should never have to come out of my mouth” category…

“Don’t stand on the chair and fart in your brother’s face.”

Not to the 8 year old. Or the 10 year old. Or even the 13 year old. Yes, I did indeed need to say those words to the 16 year old.

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Jimmy blew a straw wrapper at Eric and hit him right between the eyes.

Me: Good shot.

Jimmy: I’ve had lots of practice sniping.

Me: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

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During a conversation about past restaurant jobs…

Me: In high school, I was a cook and a busgirl but not a waitress.

Greg to Jim: Were you ever a waitress?

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100th post AND 6 months since I started Momopolize. And you get farts and butts. And the image of Jim in a waitress uniform.

You’re welcome.

Community, Humor, Life, Parenting, pets

Retrieving Breakfast, Doggy Style

February 6, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 1 Comment

I slept in this morning since I am getting over being sick (shocker). When I came downstairs after everyone had left for school, I found this on the dog bed…

Are our Labs living up to their name? Did they really retrieve the bowl and spoon off the kitchen table and manage to drag it to the dog bed? Cookie can already open doors and unlatch gates. I guess I should add carrying a bowl to her list of talents.

Or perhaps my kids are tired of having oatmeal every day. But I think they would be a little more discreet about ditching their unwanted food. I realize the “veggies in the napkin” trick would be tough to do with oatmeal, but I still don’t think they would have been brazen enough to leave it out in broad daylight for me to find. And I doubt they would add a cat food can lid to “throw me off their tracks.”

Either way, I now have photographic evidence that my kids don’t know how to put a dish in the dishwasher.

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See the cute little pink circle? I hate putting it in my post. I really do. I have always sucked at asking for help or favors or feeling pushy. Even just asking for something that takes a few seconds. But, it is contests like this that increase my readership. Circle of Moms has over 10 million subscribers so the higher I get in the ranking for their contest, the more exposure I will get! The writing part of blogging is the fun part for me. The promoting part is not.

The top bloggers in this contest are well-known and have exponentially more followers than I do (and most have been blogging for years). I’m definitely the under-dog trying to hang with the Big Dogs. The Mom&Pop shop next to the Walmart (actually I would be the Mom&Op(olize) Shop. Read that a couple of times. You’ll get it. LOL). But wouldn’t it be SO COOL if EVERYONE reading this voted for me every day until the 13th and skyrocketed me up to the top 25. And all the big wig blogs were like “Woah, who the heck is this Momopolize person and how did she get up here??” I’ve always said I have the BEST readers. You can now prove that to the blogging world. Let’s show them it isn’t always quantity. We have QUALITY readers here people.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It probably wouldn’t be all that cool for YOU. But could you still click the cute pink circle?? And THEN CLICK THE THUMBS UP BUTTON in the box for the “Top 25 Funny Moms 2013” contest. I don’t want to stay on the porch.

I don’t want to end my post pleading so watch the cutest video. It will definitely make you laugh…

Click on the photo or here to watch “Baby Fast Asleep Until Her Favorite Song Comes On!” Beware though. The song is stuck in my head now.

(I can’t post videos here – downside of free blog hosting – so it is posted on FB)

Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting

A Face Only A Mother Could Love. And an Opponent Could Hate.

February 5, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 3 Comments

Well, it is official that Jimmy will have to wear a mask when he wrestles with his broken nose.

Jimmy texted me this photo. Oh my. Ain’t it perdy??

I’m not sure who will be more distracted during the tournament. Jimmy? His Opponent? Or the spectators???

I responded to his text that I thought the mask needed a little something special to ensure he wins every match.

His opponents will just fall over from laughter.

Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized

Nobody Nose the Trouble I’ve Seen.

February 3, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 4 Comments

Jimmy had to be at school very early yesterday morning to go with his wrestling team to a tournament. The following half asleep text conversation happened since I was too lazy to get out of bed…

Me: U back fron dripping Jimmy at school?

Jim: Yes but I have to go back and drip a Gatorade off that he forgot.

Me: That’s nice f u.

Jim: F u 2.

Me: *Of. 😛

A few minutes later….

Me: Hey drippy, did u get the Gatorade 2 him b4 the bus left.?

Jim: Yes. 😛

Me: Good fork u.

And so our day began…

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Speaking of the tournament…it went well until Jimmy’s nose battled his opponent’s head. The nose lost. It is broken, which means he will have to wear a special mask to protect it when he wrestles next weekend.

The mask may look like this…

Wrestling nose guard 1 — Photo: shopping.com

But it could look like this…

Wrestling nose guard 2 — Photo: kellysports.com

Personally, I vote for something like THIS, to really freak his opponent out…

wrestling nose guard 3 thirdage — Photo: thirdage.com

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Last night Jimmy texted me at 11:30.

Jimmy: Can you come pick me up?

He was home. In his bed.

I ran to his room convinced that we hadn’t realized he got a concussion when he broke his nose. I made him talk to me for a while and answer all kinds of questions.

He was fine. He sent the text while he was mostly asleep and was dreaming he was at a friend’s house. I’ve seen sleep walking and sleep talking but…sleep texting. That is a new one.

Just say no to Slexting.

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And one more text story…

This morning, Jim texted me this while at IHOP with Eric and Greg:

Jim: This just happened…

Host: Can I have your name for the wait list.

Jim.

Host writes Jean.

No, Jim.

Host writes Jin.

No, J. I. M.

To Eric: Do I slur my words???

Eric: No Jean.

Me: Hahaha! Well…u DO look more like a Jean or a Jin.

Jim: Fork u.

And so our day begins…

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Did you laugh? Then vote. (Heck, vote even if you didn’t laugh!)

Click here and then press the THUMBS UP button to vote for me. Vote every 24 hrs until Feb 13!

Also click the “Best Mom Blogs” and “Top Mommy Blogs” badges to the right (near the top). Just a click is a vote for those 2. —>

Humor, Joke, Life, Parenting

I’m less of a videot than I thought. Or maybe more of one.

February 1, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 3 Comments

Last night I posted about my videotaping skills. Or lack thereof.

I thought I had taken a video of Eric’s “Author’s Night” at school. But the video wasn’t on the camera. It wasn’t. I looked. Multiple times!

So imagine my surprise when I was just viewing photos I uploaded today. And the video from last night was on the computer.

I’m not sure which is worse. Not properly recording the video. Or not being able to find it.

Either way, I should just say NO to video.

P.S. Yes, you can hear “Jack’s” phone conversation in the background…

Vote every 24 hours until Feb 13. Click here and then select the "thumbs up" button. — After you click here, you need to also click the **THUMBS UP** to vote for me. Voting ends Feb 13 and you can vote every 24 hours!

Just one click here is a vote.

Humor, Life, Parenting

A Blank Page = Endless Possibilities. A Blank Video = End of Possibilities.

February 1, 2013 momopolize@gmail.com 4 Comments

Tonight was Author’s Night. A bunch of 4th graders, including Eric, read stories they wrote. It was very cute. Really, it was.

When I found out Jim had a work conflict and couldn’t attend, I told him I’d videotape Eric. For the few of you other than me that are still watching the (downfall of) The Office, you will remember in the most recent episode that Jim Halpert missed his daughter’s dance recital because of work. Pam told Jim she would video the recital so he could watch. But she messed up. (For the rest of you that gave up on the show when Steve Carrell left, click here for a recap.)

Earlier today I joked that I needed to make sure I didn’t “Pull a Pam.”

I did.

Before Eric read his story, I practiced. I have a beautiful test video of the floor.

As Eric began speaking, I pushed the same buttons. There was even a red dot on the screen. I found a spot to stand where I’d have an unobstructed view. I steadied my hand. I did everything right.

Only I didn’t.

There is no video. Not even a few seconds.

I’m a videot.

I did at least get a photo.

Maybe it is for the best that I pulled a Pam. Because now I don’t have a video reminder of the Jackhole who decided it was ok to answer his cell phone. While Eric was reading his story.

I wish I had a video of my friend’s face, who was sitting in front of me, as she turned around to incredulously look at…we’ll just call him “Jack” for short. Oh wait, I should have a video of it.

Jack did have the “courtesy” to walk out into the hallway (while talking the whole way across the gym) where he continued his phone conversation. With the gym door open.

Eric didn’t notice the interruption and I was able to save my disbelief for afterwards so I could focus on him and enjoy his moment in the spotlight.

Several of the student authors definitely have the potential of going on to be adult writers. When they go on their book tours and speak in front of an audience , I will offer them this tip…

Collect all cell phones at the door.

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After I realized the video debacle, we did a little reenactment…

Some shots after the show. Feigning stage fright. — Feigning stage fright.

: You can put the camera away. Now!

And finally…click here. Please.

Don't ask me about my kids or I will Momopolize the conversation!