I thought I had taken a video of Eric’s “Author’s Night” at school. But the video wasn’t on the camera. It wasn’t. I looked. Multiple times!
So imagine my surprise when I was just viewing photos I uploaded today. And the video from last night was on the computer.
Photo: sweetteadiaries.com
I’m not sure which is worse. Not properly recording the video. Or not being able to find it.
Either way, I should just say NO to video.
P.S. Yes, you can hear “Jack’s” phone conversation in the background…
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Our dogs ran off yesterday. I looked outside and the gate at the back of our fenced yard was opened. Panic ensued. Lots of yelling, whistling and clapping (not sure what I thought the clapping would accomplish.) I remembered the last time the escaped – they would never have stopped if I hadn’t been in pursuit – so I knew that, even though they had been out for less than 10 minutes, they could have been anywhere!
I started driving around (even though, as I said, they could have been anywhere). Unfortunately all this occurred when I was supposed to be picking up the kids from school. I pulled up to school 5 minutes late and yelled “GET IN!” It could have been a get-away scene in a movie as we sped away. OK, I wasn’t speeding. Even in a panic I don’t speed in school zones.
After driving up and down every street around, I finally drove to a cul-de-sac that has access to the woods without trudging through waist-high brush. I walked down the path and over the board “bridge” that crosses a creek. It is literally a board. Shockingly I didn’t fall in. Admit it. You were hoping I’d say I did.
I saw something brown pouncing around in the distance. Then I saw TWO somethings brown. I couldn’t get a good view, so stood there for a moment to make sure it wasn’t deer. Too small for deer so it MUST be the dogs.
I started running through the muddy woods (in shoes I have only worn 3 times) getting closer and closer. Yelling and whistling (and still clapping) even louder now. I could only see one now and she wouldn’t come toward my calls. She just kept jumping on top of a pile of branches, disappearing underneath them and reappearing again on top.
Photo: flickr.com/vince1471
As I got really close, I stopped and got a good look. It wasn’t the dogs. It was a FOX! And the branches were probably covering her den.
I just ran up on a Momma fox protecting her babies.
Crap!
Luckily she chose to forgive my stupidity and went back in the den as I ran back toward the car.
It had been over an hour, so my mind switched to figuring out which photo would show up best on the “Lost Dogs” flier. Just then the phone rang. A good Samaritan had my wet, muddy dogs in her garage! They had followed the same creek I walked across all the way to her house. About 3 miles away.
Photo bedbathandbeyond.com
I think I’m going to buy one of those Potty Patch thingamabobs and never let the dogs outside again.
P.S. We never use that gate because it only leads to the waist high brush – and I was the only one home all day – so I’m left with the mystery of….Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?
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I had to take a break from my NYC posts to tell you this. It is too funny to wait.
Jim witnessed this while in the checkout line at Walmart.
Lady in front of him had purchases totaling 90 cents. She gave the cashier a 50 cent piece, 3 quarters, a dime and 5 pennies. Keep the denominations in mind. That is key.
Cashier: What’s this?
Lady: It is a 50 cent piece.
Cashier (examines it with a puzzled look): Ummm…
Lady: Yeah, that’s 50. And (counting the QUARTERS) 60, 70, 80. And this makes 85 (adding the DIME). 86, 87, 88, 89, 90 (counting the pennies..she at least counted those correctly).
Cashier (Holding up one of the quarters): I can’t accept this.
Lady: Why?
Cashier: It isn’t US currency. It says it is from Indiana.
Photo: thedailyshow.com
Jim stood for a few minutes watching in disbelief as the cashier wouldn’t accept the quarter and neither the cashier nor the lady realized the coins actually added up to $1.40. Finally Jim couldn’t stand it any longer. He handed the 50 cent piece and 2 quarters to the cashier and said “This is $1. Give her 10 cents back. She can keep her Indiana money.”
The cashier wouldn’t even look at him after that.
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After viewing these photos taken an Indiana Walmart, perhaps the cashier was correct. They DO seem to be from another world…
“A dime is 10 cents??? But it’s smaller than a nickel.” Photo: peopleofwalmart.comMonkeys in Walmart? Toto, we aren’t in Kansas anymore… Photo: peopleofwalmart.com
This guy in a Georgia Walmart probably could have helped the confusion. He even makes his bling out of money…
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Remember my never-made-a-pie-before-confession? (Obviously that included chicken popped pie also.). Well, now I have! Jake brought his grades up and as a reward I did it. I baked a chocolate meringue pie. And not an Oppan Costco Style pie. I didn’t even use instant pudding. And I made meringue too! Aren’t you proud?____________________________________________________
I usually post jokes and less than stellar moments about my children because no one wants to hear about the sweet, well-behaved moments. Those are just boring.
But I have to share this little note I found scribbled in the notebook I keep next to my computer. Very heartfelt for a 13-year-old…
I will keep it handy for the next time he is screaming how much he hates me.
We decided to take a break in the cocktail lounge and enjoy our chance to walk out on a bar tab with permission. Again we were doted on. The staff came over and sat with us while asking to hear all about the Housewife Heroes contest. They oohed and aahed over the prize package and were very excited that we were meeting Melissa Gorga.
Excuse me waiter, there’s a tree in my drink!We don’t need to go to Rockefeller Plaza to see the Christmas tree. Just look in my drink!Yummiest tree ever.
On our way to Rockefeller Plaza, we had a photo-op in front of policemen riding horses.
Unfortunately, “riding the horse” made me think of the Gangnam style video.
Oh yes I did. I broke out into dance. Right in the middle of Times Square. My kids disowned me when they saw these photos.
I guess I had too many of those Christmas tree drinks…
Decided it was a good idea to get some food in our bellies so we took a taxi to Lombardi’s. Jimmy and Jake had very similar responses when we told them we ate the oldest pizza in the US.
“That must have tasted rotten.” “Was the cheese green?”
Oops. No smiling next to Mona Lisa, right?No teeth allowed.Just think how many cupcakes I could make with THIS!!The only thing green is the basil.
Speaking of green stuff, Rockefeller Plaza was just gorgeous! Although you couldn’t really tell it was a green tree under all the lights.
The bar could make a TON of drinks with all these branches.
(Before you think I’m completely ditzy, I DO realize it was a rosemary sprig in my drink. But, naturally, I had to seize any opportunity for a joke.)
30,047 lights on the tree. I counted.Looks just like our tree at home!Hallelujah!
I decided to stay off the ice. Weak cheeks do run in our family after all (Remember, “A Pain in the Coccyx?“). I didn’t need a pain in the butt during lunch with Melissa. But Jim came anyway. Ba-Dum-Ching. (Sorry Jim, I couldn’t resist.)
I’d hate to have to untangle THAT string of lights.I knew my flute skills would come in handy again some day…Touching the giant ornament…or AM I??
We did some window shopping.
For a city that never sleeps, the chocolate store surely does close early…LET ME IN!Mini Rockefeller Plaza. Lego style.Surrounded by tall buildings!Window shopping on 5th Ave. A must.It may be the city that doesn’t sleep. But it does get tired.
Up next “NYC Part 3 – In The Lyme Light.” What lunch with a celeb is REALLY like.
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I realize it is January, but amidst all the posts about resolutions being broken, I thought you all could use a little more Christmas cheer!
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Jimmy (in a Grinch-ish mood): I hate the wreath on the front door. All it does is get in my way. I hate real trees too. I think I’m allergic.
Eric: Did you just say you hate grilled trees???
Jimmy: Yes, I said I hate GRILLED trees. I prefer my trees lightly broiled.
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While playing a little Christmas trivia with Jake…
Me: “Fill in the blank for the Grinch lyric. You’re a bad _____ with a greasy black peel.”
Jake: “Ummm…give me a hint.”
Me: “They always show people slipping on it in cartoons.”
Jake: “Ummm…give me another hint.”
Me: “It is something monkeys eat.”
Jake: “FECES!”
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Jake was wearing a new shirt and realized he hadn’t taken the size sticker off.
Eric was in an extra chatty mood during a car ride and his noise level was annoying his brothers.
Jake: “Eric needs this XL sticker for his mouth!”
I’m not sure if Jake meant because Eric was being Extra Loud or if he wanted to actually use the sticker to cover Eric’s mouth.
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After making at least 4 shopping trips to Dick’s sporting goods during the holiday season, we realized we still needed to buy a gift card from there for our nephew. Of course, it is at the mall. The dreaded mall. There wasn’t a parking space in sight so Jim decided to pull up in front of the store and run in while the rest of us waited in the car.
Thirty seconds later I see flashing lights behind our car. Busted by mall security. I instinctively grabbed for my license as he approached the window, but stopped myself. Before he could even say a word, I blurted out “I’m sorry sir. We are just waiting for my husband to come out with our merchandise so we can load it into the car.”
Yes, I blatantly and remorselessly lied in front of my children. Well, technically I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell him what our “merchandise” was. But I just KNOW the mall cop watched Jim walk out with nothing but a tiny little card and hop in the car.
When we arrived at my in-laws, Jake announces “Mom, tell everyone how you got pulled over on the way here!”
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Jimmy’s #1 item on his Christmas list was a game called “Far Cry.” Jake used an old game case and Google images to make this…
Jimmy didn’t realize it was a prank until he opened it and saw this…
(He DID get the actual game later.)
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We don’t put any wrapped gifts under the tree until after the kids go to bed Christmas Eve. Initially, the reason was to keep curious toddlers from tearing off the pretty shiny paper before Christmas. Now that they are old enough to know better (in theory), we still don’t put them out until Christmas Eve so the nosey dogs and cats don’t mess them up.
Actually, we don’t put them out until then because I am always up wrapping into the wee hours of Christmas Eve/Morn, but the dog and cat excuse makes me sound less disorganized.
When it is time, I arrange the presents in a beautiful, colorful display under the real (grilled) tree in our family room. We also have a fake tree in our (never lived in) living room. This year, when the boys came downstairs Christmas morning, I told them we had decided to put he gifts under the fake tree for a change. They walked in the living room to find only this…
They weren’t amused. Well, Greg was. Until he realized it wasn’t even real coal in the bag. Getting coal for Christmas is one thing. Getting PLASTIC coal is just downright insulting.
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During Christmas break, my blog (lovingly, of course) became the butt of all jokes. No matter what happened, the response would be “I’m TOTALLY going to blog about that.”
Jimmy enjoyed poking fun at my blog so much, he said he is going to start his own…
We have an awful, horrible family tradition of going to the mall to see Santa…on Christmas Eve. To avoid standing in line for hours, we have to get there by 8am. Now that we have two teens in the house…let’s just say they are less than thrilled about this tradition.
Me: “I know you don’t want to go but I just want a photo of all 4 of you. You don’t have to sit on Santa’s lap. Just stand next to the chair.”
Jimmy: “No, I’m sitting ON his lap. I’m going to make this as uncomfortable for him as it is for me.”
How to get teens to agree to visit Santa at the mall? Bribery.
Since I didn’t send Christmas cards this year (or last…or the year before…),
here is our Christmas Eve in photos:
Me: Greg, scoot closer to Jimmy. Closer. Closer. Jimmy: Why am I here? Jake and Eric: GREG!!! MOVE!!!Greg: Why the heck are you yelling at me??? (The finger sticking up is a coincidence. I think.) Jimmy: Why. Am. I. Here?Greg: Why is everyone in that huge long line behind us staring? Jimmy: Because we are freaks.The perfect, happy family. For a second…Uh. Oh. Jake has that look in his eye…Jake: Stop what? It’s just a hug. Jimmy: No. I am NOT hiding a smile.Jimmy (in his best Mom voice): Now boys. This is not a wrestling mat.Greg: And THAT is for yelling at me! Me: I’m totally blogging about this.
Me: Greg looks like the Peanuts kids when they are singing.
Jake: Yeah, the dirty one!
After all the evil glares, Jimmy appears to be the happiest of all to see Santa!
Eric: Hey Greg, wouldn’t it be cool to have a jersey of someone who actually still plays on the team???All smiles on the way out……and then back to life as usual.
One day last week, I spent the day running around like a chicken with my head cut off, finishing last minute Christmas prep. I must admit I was so stressed by my to-do list that what I saw when I got home made me lose my head. And I wasn’t the only one. I walked in to find this…
And this…
I was 100% sure the guilty looking one – Brownie – was innocent. I’d have bet money it was Cookie that beheaded my “peek-a-boo Santa.”
I told the kids not to eat Santa’s cookies while I was gone but didn’t think I needed to tell Cookie not to eat Santa. Lesson learned.
I attempted to prop the head back on…
But kept finding this…
Even when Cookie wasn’t around.
A little research uncovered a disturbing find…SANTA HAS BEEN LOSING HIS HEAD A LOT!
Maybe Cookie really was as innocent as her expression.
I always visualized Santa as calm, cool and collected. Not rattled by anything. But, perhaps, he gets just as frazzled as the rest of us. And loses his head.
Photos on Flickr* show this shocking proof…
Apparently he occasionally loses his pants too…
Sometimes he can be hot headed…
Other times he blows his top…
So does Santa just have a short fuse like the rest of us?
Or is there a dog conspiracy to steal Santa’s head?
Photo: janebretl.com
Perhaps we’ll never know for sure…
But I will remind you that Brownie and Cookie are known felons.
Does the photo of them in this post remind you of something you’ve seen before? (If not, you need to read “To Catch A Thief…Again.”)
<—beheaded Santa
From “To Catch A Thief…Again”—>
P.S. You can also find videos on You Tube of Santa sans noggin. But I wouldn’t suggest searching for “Santa Lost His Head” there. You get some unexpected results. Including a case of someone who decapitated a man in Santa Maria. And a video about two turtles humping. I don’t even want to know WHY that showed up as a match.
We’re #3We’re #13 for Humor Blogs
*Photo credit: All photos not taken by me that don’t have a photo credit listed as a caption can be found on flickr.com on the first page of search results for “Santa lost his head” or “hot headed Santa.”
One week from today we take off for our “Housewife Heroes” excursion to New York City, including lunch with Melissa Gorga and a session with her make-up artist.
As I made plans for the trip, it made me wonder what would happen if a Real Housewife of New Jersey (RHONJ) and a Real Housewife of Boring-town Suburbia (RHOBS, yes the “BS” was intentional) were both asked the same questions in an interview. This is what I imagine their answers would be…
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Interviewer: Tell us about the car you drive?
RHONJ: I have a convertible and I just love the Italian Leather seats and feeling the wind blow through my hair when I put the top down.
RHOBS: I have an SUV with Italian spaghetti sauce stains on my leather seats. Or is it ketchup? Maybe I should pick up one of those old French fries on the floor and find out. The wind blows my hair in my eyes but I can’t roll up the windows because the car smells like spoiled milk. They really shouldn’t call those cups “spill-proof.”
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Interviewer: Where is your favorite place to shop?
RHONJ: The best shopping is in NYC, so I usually dash up there for a shopping spree. I can’t say which boutique is my favorite, because of the paparazzi.
RHOBS: Target! You can get a new outfit, groceries, laundry detergent and kitty litter – all in one stop. Best. Idea. Ever.
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Interviewer: What do you wear when having lunch with friends?
RHONJ: I love a splash of color. And heels and some bling are a must.
RHOBS: I wear whichever yoga pants are clean. If I can find the matching shirt, that’s a plus.
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Interviewer: Speaking of Yoga, have you tried the new craze, Hot Yoga?
RHONJ: Oh yes, I go to a hot yoga class at my gym 3 times a week.
RHOBS: Sort of. One time when I was doing yoga at home, the air conditioning was broken. Does that count?
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Interviewer: When you’ve had a stressful week, how do you relax?
RHONJ: A day at the spa for an appointment with my favorite masseuse, a caviar facial and time in the jacuzzi.
RHOBS: Well, last week I decided to try the green tea mud mask that I received as a gift two years ago. The doorbell rang after I applied the mask. When I answered the door, it was a neighborhood kid who ran away screaming something about an alien. I started to draw a bath before the doorbell rang but forgot to put the stopper in the tub. By the time I got back to the bathroom, there was no hot water left. And I think the mud mask was past its expiration date because my face still has a greenish hue.
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Photo: www.melissagorga.com
Interviewer: I was just listening to the new single “I Just Wanna.” How do feel about the new song?
RHONJ: I love it! The press has been hounding me since the release.
RHOBS: I love it! When I try to sing, it makes my dog just wanna howl.
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Interviewer: What is your favorite quote?
RHONJ: “I never throw the first punch, but I’m always a knock out.”
RHOBS: “If I get knocked down, I will probably just lay there and take a nap”
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Interviewer: How would others describe your life?
RHONJ: I live a life that most girls only dream of.
RHOBS: I live a life that most girls only have nightmares about.
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Interview: What is your favorite mixed drink?
RHONJ: Voli’s “Mango Coconut”
RHOBS: Voli’s “Mango Coco-My-Kids-Make-Me-Nuts”
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While there may be many differences between the lifestyles of The Housewives on TV and regular housewives, they all are real women, real Moms – and real housewives! So when Melissa Gorga and I meet for lunch, hopefully we will have plenty to talk about while having a cocktail. And maybe some “whine.”
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Have any questions you want me to ask Melissa??? Leave them in a comment and I’ll try my best to get the answers!
Either my family has high hopes for Momopolize, or they were just tired of listening to me complain about my old piece of junk computer. Regardless of the reason, the only thing freezing here today is the road. (Drive carefully if your roads are icy too!)
My new computer even has a fingerprint recognition thingy (official name). It makes me feel so Jane Bond. Even though I’m more of an “I Spy With My Little Eye” type of gal.
I guess I better start working on advertising deals to get Momopolize in the black. (Can I count the NYC trip to get me out of the red??) I feel like I should end every post with a current total like they do on the “Two Broke Girls” show.
I know I don’t deserve another present, but clicking the link below would be a great gift. It would make my competitive side very happy. I’m in 3rd but 1st would make potential advertisers happy also. And then I could take away the negative sign for my current total. 🙂 Just click and voila. Done.
Tomorrow I will post about our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day shenanigans. Whenever all 6 of us are together for many hours at a time, you can count on some really good blog material.
Don't ask me about my kids or I will Momopolize the conversation!
